Aspies in Media

“My Story?” – The Jerk (prologue bit) – Steve Martin (1979)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=Qtmi4Nc-3dE

Thesis: Aspies are and have always been more common than is generally assumed, and possibly even less weird; but the road to acceptance may require social elements that are not available to us, by design. I mean, if people don’t/won’t get you… maybe trying is… comedy?

                Is it that… you want me to… guess? – Dudeman

Jo Firestone - I Don't Like Strangers

https://facebook.com/comedycentralstandup/videos/2033404486675296

Hi, I’m Scott, and I have Asperger’s, which means I’m on the autism spectrum, a little bit. It’s kinda like being blind; I can’t tell when you don’t like me – which happens surprisingly often, apparently: I’m too weird, for some. Not crying, not complaining, just noticing, just noting (it’s become an impediment); and the irony is: I’m probably the last person to not like You. (I sense slash detect somethin like that inna backa me mind: zap, vaporize; no discretion. I can bar people, eventually, for my own protection; it’s possible to get banned, there is a door, money back guarantee; gonna miss ya, took a while, but…) My morals, my values: I’m not allowed to not like people (for whatever reason, that’s long been the only acceptable disposition). I feel guilty not liking songs. Problem is: there’s some double-digit percentage of the populous which, when confronted with that, will say, “oh, really… hmm…” – so, they see my naïve amiability as something to easily take advantage of. I was saved by a scene from Hudson Hawk (Bruce Willis, 1991)¹ where the villains’ lackeys are instructed to not hurt him; at which point he goes on a hilarious series of slapstick schtick on each of them, ending with, “surely, this must offend” (you’d be surprised how often this bit comes up). Surprisingly, so far, I get by. This is the same approach successful businesses employ: turn away no potential customers (commoner/peasant businesses, anyway). Not every Aspie is as unassuming, but I think we’re all (probably) innocent. And as far as I know… so might be us all. There’s tons of people out there like me, to varying degrees; we’re mostly invisible, which has its potential benefits, until... long story short: I’m invite only. I may be text only (with smiley faces after almost everything). Meddling with the world has so far been proven unsuccessful (go tell it to the mountain). I am high-functioning, which means, at first glance, from very high altitudes, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be doing as well as anybody. But, wait: let me explain…

even if you do like me a lot

opportunity will arise to not:

if you're a tad allergic to too much information;

or don't particularly like being told you're wrong,

especially with a thorough, patient explanation...?

or maybe ya just don’t like complex chord changes

When you try to think of media examples of autistics, The Rain Man and Forrest Gump spring to mind, but little else. (“I’m a good driver,” but I can’t count cards… “Run, hippie, run!”) I’m a trip. I think it’s safe to say that. And I should remind myself more often that it’s something to be proud of. I’m part Native American, too: 1/64; the rest is Euro mutt. Blonde hair, blue eyes, SWM gets it easy, doesn’t even know. Never had much trouble there, but... long story starts: I’ve observed that fear of conflict can compromise one’s judgement, cause one to err on the side of caution, in the name of peace, and thus side with the oppressor. A meme that may sum it up is a snapshot from… anywhere between ages 5 and 17, with the caption: “no one was left” (of center enough) “to stick up for me” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_they_came_). But, assimilation… has been proven unworthy.

Where have you been? It's alright, we know where you've been

…what did you dream? It's alright, we told you what to dream

Pink Floyd – Welcome to the Machine (1975)

I was asked/advised to not do my other main identity: progressive, hippie, stoner, etc. But it’s a legit bit: I have been hassled by the cops; even physically abused (okay, only once majorly: got a flashlight in my belly, doubled over, in broad daylight, rush-hour traffic, for askin why); and told to stay out of their town. Disenfranchised means to not have equal rights, or opportunities, and I am making the case that I get a double helping of that, free samples, being both Aspie and hippie. Together, they almost equal being non-euro in most of America (imagine). Driving while black is a thing; and, to some extent, so is driving with long hair: it’s probable cause to search everything in most states. Being an Aspie will get me in trouble if I speak at any length. (In the South, just being a Yankee got me all kinds of really unexplainable schtick I would rather not go into, but…) Any demographic that is (also) not welcome in some “certain” areas, through no fault of their own… their story needs to be heard – and, obviously, to be silenced, is just more typical.

Cheech: How am I driving?

Chong: I think we’re parked!

Up in Smoke (1978)

(Hmm)… There’s a reason why weed is so demonized; the best explanation I’ve ever heard is in the bible: it is the tree of knowledge of good and evil. (Wow, man. Yeah.) Certain strains of it help my anxiety, which is sometimes debilitating. It’s partly why I moved out here to Oregon. I’ve found I’m able to be myself, and be okay with that, reconnect with myself, and (perhaps most importantly) realize/detect malarkey⁴ – which is entirely crucial, especially for a disenfranchised minority: in my case, at least double, as… just looking like I herbalize, having longish hair, tends to separate or even ostracize me. Yet, the benefits are overwhelming, and I believe a big part of the reason why it is so illegal: because it alerts the user to shams; people who are being unreal stand out like neon lights. On the flip side, when it is considered normal to overreact, be especially immature or bossy, people who are not are seen as lazy or unmotivated. The stereotype is proliferated to demean, alienate and ostracize (Cheech and Chong, Spicoli, Reefer Madness…). I could provide links to actual video of one teeny “dose” ending spasms in a few minutes, for people who have them all day every day (just google); but I’ll just leave the following quote:

“The Nixon campaign in 1968, and the Nixon White House after that, had two enemies: the antiwar left and black people. You understand what I’m saying? We knew we couldn’t make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin, and then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders, raid their homes, break up their meetings, and vilify them night after night on the evening news. Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course, we did.” – John Daniel Ehrlichman (March 20, 1925 – February 14, 1999), counsel and Assistant to the President for Domestic Affairs under Nixon; key figure in events leading to the Watergate first break-in and the ensuing Watergate scandal, for which he was convicted of conspiracy, obstruction of justice, and perjury and served a year and a half in prison. The quote is from 1994, talking to journalist Dan Baum.

You don’t hafta accept me if you don’t want to

You don’t hafta accept me if you don’t want to

I know you already knew that

I was jus… makin sure you knew… I know it, too

First thing, when you look at me: I'm Aqualung, an aging hippie, and I've (even possibly obviously) had a unique journey even for them (far as I know). But it's a little better now that I'm older; I just turned 50 – and aging hippies don't get as much schtick from (especially their counterparts in) the younger set, maybe partially because we can always say, "I don't remember (which one was your mother/father?)"

Never an evil thought in my life,

what do I get? Nuttin but schtick.

Dudeman

Anyways, whining aside, it goes to voluntary/involuntary inclusion/exclusion. We stand apart, sometimes more than POC. Offered as Proof by Contradiction: imagine you had a magic elixir that would turn a Person of Color’s skin… acceptable – make them totally appear Caucasian; but there was a side effect that caused them to: not always act on their own better judgement, or best interests; not stick up for themselves, or not tactfully, cautiously, with aplomb; or be more easily stressed out, worried, antagonized, moved to irrationality. I think the way that even modern media portrays hippies is encouraging us we to give up such silly ways, apologizing for and lampooning those who have not yet “cleaned up their act” – explaining it as a stage of immaturity, weakness, immorality… therefore worthy of contempt…. etc. Cementing as outsiders, however personable. It’s the personable outsider, however, often presented as hero in classic and modern literature. To the degree that disadvantages make a story seem more mis-adventurous, the hero’s journey has made us more forgiving of weirdness. I suppose I should feel lucky: for most of human history, people like me were thrown in dungeons. I like to think of it as a temporary brain shrinker, so it’ll fit in my head.

Today’s Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you

The space he invades, he gets by on you

Rush – Tom Sawyer (1981)

I was still Stoner faction even for the years and years where the offending controversy was not a part of my life. Being a longhaired Hippie does not go over in all circles, let me tell you. And it's pretty universally considered entirely voluntary, so it presents as me (even defiantly) wanting to extricate myself from normal sane sober acceptable Society… to some: my sane / sober even normal peers have already achieved that mental skill of acceptance among them, though possibly tentative. I refer to the lyrics for “Turn the Page” by Bob Seger, which can apply to any minority in a non-minority Zone: “You feel the eyes upon you… you pretend it doesn’t bother you… most times you can’t hear em talk, other times you can, same old clichés… you always seem outnumbered, you don’t dare make a stand.” Every metalhead ever. Just sayin’.

This whipping boy done wrong... his will, they'll take away

Metallica - The Unforgiven (1991)

Beside me now are strangers to my eyes

They might be getting crazy, might be wise

Neil Finn - The Climber (2001)

Maybe one of the possible metrics for measuring your status in society could be: how frustrated you're allowed to be; how you're permitted to process your reaction to disparagement; if the available options include anger and resentment. Another may be how much your opinion is worth, or even welcome. How about: if you’re not allowed to treat other people… how they treat you. People talk over my heads all the time; they’re uncomfortable and often unfamiliar with being so frustrated at that – it gets old. When I talk about the stars, or math, with long hair, I can count on one hand the number of people in my life who were not surprised, or did not show it (or will put up with it; I’m getting better at detecting irritation). It’s weirder than a NASA scientist with a thick drawl/twang. How about a brain surgeon, in cockney? There is one Native American astronaut: John Herrington. I like what he says about how the people who know math and science are “going to be the ones who change the world we live in.”

Imagine all the people sharing all the world

John Lennon – Imagine (1971)

I may indeed finally be entirely incorrigibly unacceptable,

as I am now too old for anything to be done about that.

I could change my political beliefs, from Progressive to something else, but that would require changing my values (which may be the whole point, intimidation is not beyond the man). Seemed for ages, same goes for being… me: but now we know it’s genetic, being Aspie (takes all kinds). Same goes for being a longhair, as voluntary as that may seem on the surface to be, most haircuts I've had were against my will, and all were not what I wanted. The whole time I was waiting for it to grow back, not necessarily treated as an equal, but patted on the back for being something I'm not, reinforcing the dense overhead clouds that how I am, really: is not welcome. That Native American trackers and scouts in the US military found they no longer had their superhuman skills when their heads were shaved, so have been permitted for some time now to wear their hair however they need to, to best do their job – is an urban legend that Snopes picked to pieces² – but I sense some truth in that. I’m probably more than 1/64 Aspie. Possibly the lessened ability to be myself was less than 100% the mirror.

Some Famous Aspies in History

Newton, Darwin, Tesla, Einstein…

Michelangelo, Mozart, Yeats, James Joyce, Thomas Jefferson…

Hans Christian Andersen, Lewis Carroll, Emily Dickinson…

Bobby Fischer, Temple Grandin, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates…

Stanley Kubrick, Tim Burton, Jerry Seinfeld, Daryl Hannah, Dan Aykroyd…

https://appliedbehavioranalysisprograms.com/historys-30-most-inspiring-people-on-the-autism-spectrum

“It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a

pack of cigarettes, it's dark out, and we're wearing sunglasses.”

Elwood Blues (Dan Ackroyd), The Blues Brothers (1980)

The Good Doctor - Official Trailer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYlZDTru55g

Plenty of scientists and mathematicians only those types have ever heard of, but... if we glowed in the dark, there’d be no night. (Sometimes I forget that probably not everybody knows now/yet that) Aspie-ness is referred to as being a little bit on the autism spectrum. But if autism is a spectrum, then maybe even everybody has it, though most just a teeny bit. Even you; even if it’s only 0.1%. It could be the part of us that, instinctively: wants to shy away all the time; and even feel more deeply, but not be connected to expressing it (or maybe just not right now, for whatever reason). If you can really become immersed in something: some people like to read, a lot. Maybe most are so “high functioning” that they don’t even notice it, unless society considers some trait odd, even bizarre, and they can’t suppress it well enough. Do you think if I study hard, I’ll pass… as normal? There was a game show on the Comedy Channel (back in the day), Beat the Geeks, where: three resident super experts in various categories (TV, movies, etc.) would try to score higher than contestants, and usually did, it was supposed to be a challenge. This was way before Asperger’s was even a dealio thingy. I think, maybe, just maybe, we’re not so abnormal, after all. Therefore, in my quest for media artifacts, my compass is set for what inspires me, or affected me, or given me special uncommon (even unwelcome) insight; chances are I’ll stumble on a fellow ancient alien – I knew this one by heart, already:

When my species comes to rule this planet:

your name will be on the protected rolls,

and you will come to no harm.

Beldar Conehead (Dan Ackroyd), The Coneheads (1993)

Takes one to know one:

Eddie Vedder, Ben Harper

Tori Amos, Beth Hart, Neil Finn

Neil Peart – Rush (drums; lyrics)

John Lennon, David Bowie, Elton John

Keith Moon – The Who (drums, rare vocals)

Nick Drake – solo artist (guitar, vocals; music and lyrics)

Roger Waters – Pink Floyd (bass, vocals; music and lyrics)

John Paul Jones – Led Zeppelin (bass, keyboards; music, arranging)

Jonny Greenwood – Radiohead (lead guitar, keyboards; arranging)

Big List of Alleged Aspies

http://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=56547

And I haven't been discovered yet, really, so this probably doesn't count, but I've been officially a musician since 1983 and I have over 200 songs of my own (at least 10 albums), which is a pretty big part of my life (dudeman.net/shadows): and as some form of media artifact, to me, is more present and prevalent than anything I hear on the radio or see on TV, or in movies. I also have a comic strip: Dudeman, longhaired hippie superhero (dudeman.net/dudeman). For about five years, I averaged an episode a day (or more), 8.5 x 11, 8-point font, mostly text – there's several thousand episodes, that (so far) only I seem to be able to understand (it's too deep, too abstract, there's too many characters, too many subplots, parallel universes…); the running theme is, I guess, the irony of disparagement. Most people don't get it, any of it. But those are probably the first two things you need to know about me. Tell it to the angels.

Dudeman: Messin with my head, without my permission,

what’s that called again? Mind… fun… -fuzz-ery?

Cuz-Bro: Ah, yes. Only karmic penalties for that one, though…

and we’ve got that covered just pretending to like you.

I’ve also tabbed the bass lines to over 300 classic rock tunes (dudeman.net/jam), the complex ones are note-for-note; I’ve mapped the pyramids of Giza: and discovered some interesting geometry (dudeman.net/astra/giza), including proving they used a 360° circle, no one cares; I’ve invented a game: it’s like chess, but on a hex board, with D&D dice for pieces (dudeman.net/starhex), can’t get anyone to play. I have a 3D starmap (dudeman.net/spacedog), maybe one day there’ll be a proper app. There’s more (dudeman.net): it’s where I hide, when not in school (which is nigh, anon). I have yet to hear about any alleged island of misfit toys.

The ocean is a desert with its life underground and a perfect disguise above

Under the cities lies a heart made of ground, but the humans will give no love

America - A Horse with No Name (1971)

There's also a fly trapped between the screen and window in the bathroom in my house, for a couple of days now, amazing he’s still alive. I don't know how he got there; that window’s been closed all winter – but it's a valid metaphor I can identify with. I went to let him out; he was already gone. There’s probably a music video in that (The Screens – No Holes). Bigots should be made to wear t-shirts, scarlet B’s, and every buddy else just hugs them until… until their hearts grow three sizes, and… the B’s wear off (just kidding, their minds would implode; best leave them alone).

May God bless and keep the czar… far away from us!

Fiddler on the Roof

Haven't you heard, it's a battle of words, and most of them have died

…for want of the price of tea and a slice, the old man died

Pink Floyd – Us and Them (1973)

When you think of (someone from) probably any minority doing something (anything) normal, the projected/assimilated common association of “minority” with “not belonging” being so strong: the first instinct is, perhaps, that they shouldn’t be doing that, they shouldn’t be allowed, maybe they’ll get in trouble, they’re going against the grain, maybe even defiantly proclaiming their equal status (the audacity of cope), and controversy is expected, even welcomed. I get that walking down the street, sometimes. Plenty of places. I try to not get out much.

Is the inner child that feeling behind your eyes

that makes you want to cry, but you forgot how?

Last fall, beginning of term, I was surprised to find certain doors to certain buildings on campus locked, and I had to go around (I have since learned this is to keep out the homeless). One day, I saw a door opening for someone coming out of one of the science buildings, and tried to go in, but was almost denied. Apparently, despite carrying books, probably the long hair (my coat’s not new): I was not assumed to be a student. The gentleman was undeniably rude (whippersnapper, kids today). Since then, I’ve taken to wearing my Phi Theta Kappa pin on my coat, in case I get hassled/questioned again – and I did feel I had to mention it, point it out, to my current math teacher, who was visibly surprised, twice (I also wear a Rush 2112 pin, in case I die). But my schedule both this term and last leave me with almost three hours between classes; and being agoraphobic, I study in my car, which is suspicious enough just by itself, especially when I try to park far away from others. I’m not sure who crosses the street avoidantly more, me or them. I know that probably sounds like I have a chip on my shoulder, but I just wish I could just teleport.

Here in my car

I feel safest of all

I can lock all my doors

It's the only way to live

Gary Numan – Cars (1979)

We're constantly told to be yourself, be proud of what and how you are, even let it shine. (In fact, it would be hard to find a media artifact which was not representative or endorsing that maxim.) And there's bad vibes emanating in all directions (hopefully none from mine), some directions more than others. So how responsible are we for our own fate/status in society? My beautifully long-haired lovely wife could shave her head, but there would be a price of limited choice: Sinead O'Connor fan or cancer patient. Aberrations are (tentatively/temporarily) granted acceptance if you have a doctor's note; but burn-outs in ripped dungarees are clearly eschewing responsibility. So, I guess if you need to feel sorry for me to treat me as an equal fellow human being, that bud may have been nipped. I would have PTSD just from that, but... read on…

“Is something wrong?” she said – “well, of course, there is”

“You're still alive,” she said – “oh, do I deserve to be?”

“Is that the question?” – “if so... who answers?”

                                Pearl Jam – Alive (1991)

When I was homeless, there were plenty of people who thought that I could easily shape up, clean up my act, starting mainly with just cutting my hair. My experience inspired reluctance/refusal to do so left them exasperated: from there, I could get a job in a factory, or as a dishwasher... and in a few weeks, be let go for being too weird. Best if I… just shut up. It's hard to find roomies. Even when you're not desperate, there's random sneers I don't know how to process. I never was clued in.

Dudeman: I come from a planet that’s so harsh n judgmental,

                          ya can’t even notice it’s harsh n judgmental

                          …without bein labeled… harsh n judgmental

Cuz-Bro: we don’t ...take too kindly

to… not takin... too kindly...

Zeebo: if you were really welcome

you’d… know where it’s at

Different people have different reactions to being treated unfairly: based on their perceived status in society, what they feel they deserve. Also, the more unfairly you’re treated… it snowballs. My Aspie son put it well: “what you allow will continue.” Aspies typically see no point conflict and are thus often most mystified with the world. There's so much ego and thus self-esteem attached to being right or wrong. If you're right, you get to have your say and have things your way. And maybe it is true philosophically that there are sometimes different truths for different people, but there's still a common truth which connects those. I mean, I skipped kindergarten, but I know how to share.

Sesame Street: Sharing Things (Stranger Things Parody)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=npcqBt_e4k0

Funny story: my Dad forgot my mom's birthday, two days before their wedding. When it came up in conversation, however, he got angry with her. This was a winning tactic he used: The Mad Act. His side of the perspective was supposedly that he's very busy and shouldn't have to remember things like that. Besides, birthdays were invented by the greeting card companies. It is illogical and irrational to ascribe such silly sentimentality. It's a wonder I exist, chalk it up to continuity.

TACTICS USED BY THE GASLIGHTER:

Discrediting you by making other people

think that you’re crazy, irrational or unstable.

https://lonerwolf.com/gaslighting

I don’t really grok⁹ what it is to feel welcome. My dad was a union rep, and my mom was in theater. Eventually their personalities did not mix well, and by the end of elementary school they fought often. Neither had much patience for the other’s feelings or frustrations, and there was much vocal defending of one’s self and accusing the other of being unfair, which was usually interrupted. My mom had become empowered by the “women’s lib” of the 70s and was not going to just take it, while my dad’s schtick was fueled mostly by drinking. One day, he hit her, and that was pretty much the end of the marriage. I was raised to stick up for myself, but that only works when fairness counts. If someone is angry at you for something you didn’t even do, would never do, completely imaginary, out of left field, so there’s no way to avoid it in the future, and they won’t even listen to any defense from you… fairness towards you is not entering into it. At this point, they are infants – you have to find that pacifier and stick it in as quick as possible… or leave.

Star Wars: Episode IV – Let the Wookie Win

https://youtube.com/watch?v=rN0T5tyJlo8

What I have learned from my experience, how I’m being trained: What do you do when someone gets angry at you? Do not get angry back. Do not even defend yourself. If it’s in my house, the trouble is probably that they feel that they’ve not been given the respect they feel they deserve, or require for safety; and thus, they are in no frame of mind to negotiate what is fair in that regard towards you – I have become their unwitting (even uncooperative) adversary. Personally, in order to feel safe, I need to know that I’m not going to be in trouble over a figment of someone’s imagination, and/or taking some thingy I say the wrong way, especially one that I cannot predict. My problem is: someone being mad at me is a prediction I’m about to be homeless, and I panic. I do not have much experience with someone realizing I was not at fault and apologizing. These are the kinds of things which make for great popular entertainment. Maybe I’m a stooge? “Fear is the mind killer.”³ On TV, everyone’s so nice.

maybe entitlement is how crabby yer allowed to be

I don't have the luxury you do of even being offended

- maybe my greatest privilege is just being befriended?

if the greatest form of acceptance is identification

- maybe my ambitions are too high to start off with

- maybe I’m too high just thinking of considering this

or maybe it’s even like

not being able to tell

you have a sunburn

until it’s too late…

The fourth Reich has many forthright followers/sympathizers, some unknowingly³ (perhaps). The larger, more common their demographic, the wider their appeal. Even nice people eventually come to see the cunning wisdom of (at first, soft) rejection. That is how my Longhair Aspie identity typically interacts with its environment. As for the media, this subset intersection: we have no representation. Cultural icons peek out from behind the curtain every so often (reveal their antennae), but they were the exceptional exceptions. Data is a parable.

25 great Data (Brent Spiner) quotes (6:30)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSJ_Mxt_9mc

Star Trek: TNG (S3E13) – Laugh: (3:25)

https://youtu.be/96jPvL85MjM?t=1m41s (link starts at 1:41, stop at 3:00)

Star Trek VII: Generations – Lifeforms: (0:36)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWBmaKk32fE

Basically (so wait, lemme get this straight), inclusion/acceptance is conditional, and I am not able to meet those conditions, without significantly altering myself, which I have attempted with varying rates of frustration and little real success. Keep trying. (I could cut my hair and play boring covers, straight-laced and straight-faced, but that may require at least a partial lobotomy; cut to Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.) I have an idea…

Some quotes from Jean Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart), Star Trek: TNG
http://syfy.com/syfywire/captain-picard-day-11-picard-quotes-universe-should-live

“A Starfleet Officer's first commitment is to the truth

– be it scientific, political, or personal truth.”

“The economics of the future are somewhat different:

acquisition of wealth is no longer the driving force in our lives."

"The road from legitimate suspicion to rampant paranoia

is very much shorter than we think."

"You cannot exterminate something

that may or may not be intelligent."

"No being is so important that he can usurp the rights of another."

"The only person you're truly competing against is yourself."

"There can be no justice so long as laws are absolute."

"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose."

"Courage can be an emotion too."

“Buried deep within you…

there is something that has never been nurtured:

the potential to make yourself a better man.

And that is what it is to be human:

to make yourself more than you are.”

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Jean-Luc_Picard

Picard showing his loves for ships...in bottles...

https://youtube.com/watch?v=av0nRBqbrPU

If this were 50 or 100 years ago, and I had a stamp collection, maybe a ship in a bottle that I had built,⁵ I would present as a distinguished member of society, educated or not – today, I’m the Fool on the Hill (The Beatles, 1967). School (work) has only recently become… not easy (play was… more fun). What it is, is… see… turns out… I have this thingy called Asperger’s, a little… where… I’m quicker in some ways and slower in others (so: part genius, part retarded, but some normal… all special). I like math, music, art, a buncha stuff… but I don’t interact normal. This… doesn’t go over, usually. I find that being myself is not understood, either. This is the source of all punchlines related to characters in media representing my type. Which… is arguably a/some middling stage of acceptance (between oppression and honor): “In a civilized country, when ridicule fails to kill a movement, it begins to command respect.” – Mahatma Gandhi.

…not so far from where you are, but don't be too wise…

Nick Drake – Things Behind the Sun (1972)

I once read there are only two emotions: love and fear; or rather, that all emotions are on a spectrum between those extremes. Say, on a rainbow from red to purple, a low to medium energy green might be envy, while a little higher power is called greed. Dogs can’t see the color green, which makes them specifically talented at finding small things in even very tall grass, which presents as light beige to them. They also have very powerful noses, providing lots of very detailed information about almost everything, all without any real language, but it speaks to them. The dog on the sitcom Wilfred (Elijah Wood) exhibits the not entirely unknown annoying Aspie traits. (I happen to know one fine example, personally; his mutant superpower is: identifying people’s buttons, and dancing on them, intentionally, for sport, then analyzing the crumble – it’s his art.) I always identified with Snoopy; and Charlie Brown; and Linus.

Snoopy Come Home: No Dogs Allowed (or Birds) Song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85hVMBqjBFA

Aspie senses are heightened in some areas, dulled in others. About a year before I even started college, on this very campus, a fellow Aspie was telling me about her sensitivity to high pitched noises, when a braking bicycle squeaked by, annoyingly super loud – she doubled over and covered her ears, but I was abnormally not phased. Even I considered maybe I wasn’t really very autistic, then; though I now think I may be actually naturally abnormally shielded to things like that – it’s super never bothered me. (Once, I elicited the frustrated ire of a bully, by not reacting to popped balloons behind me.) We stand out noticeably when our reactions to being overwhelmed, or underwhelmed, become inappropriate.

I did not mean to blow your mind

But that schtick happens to me all the time

Tenacious D – Master Exploder (2006)

Autistics have meltdowns. We’re not prepared to cope. Pretty sure I’m the only Aspie I know who’s not allowed to have them anymore. These are still the dark ages: Basket Cases should not be compelled to go out into the proper world. Or in any event, should the world become too stressful, we should go home, like a normal person, maybe tired (I know neither of my 80-ish parents could handle a metal show for very long). But that happens too easily and frequently for most of us to consider such, as much, a regular thing. When we have to stay in the world anyways, some of our coping methods/mechanisms may be deemed weird or inappropriate. My wife tends to isolate (creates a sensory deprivation chamber), our son laughs when nervous (as does my mom); I yawn, which waters my eyes (runs my nose), so it may seem like I’m crying – but you could probably push me off a roof and I would yawn somewhere on the way down. Sound like an/every episode of Portlandia? And Portland is pretty forgiving, pretty hippie friendly, but… I’m still not completely welcome. (So, who is?)

Portlandia – I'm Not Bad, Right?

https://youtube.com/watch?v=cT-nzPyhH1o

“If you want to know what a man’s like,

take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire 

Recently, I was asked to leave an open mic, no real reason given, but hints that: first I drank too many cokes (5 in 4 hours), then I went to the bathroom too much (same); I was trying to stay awake for the 30-mile drive home, to start at 2am. Maybe I take longer than average in the rest room (which may be suspicious in a bar possibly occasionally frequented by cokeheads) – I wash my hands (which is disquietingly uncommon), then wipe my face, and eyes with clean damp fingertips, and I stretch; it can take a whole song (not quite as extreme as Jerry "Hands" Epsenson: http://bostonlegal.wikia.com/wiki/Jerry_Espenson, but Autistics have routines). I wrote a note: “I’m not on drugs, I have Asperger’s.” He refused to read it. I showed it to the host, my friend, who laughed, and said to not worry about it, but he did not intervene; I still had to leave. My (higher-functioning, fellow Aspie) wife has said that she will have a parent-teacher conference with the muggle, but I doubt I will ever go back. (I always had the distant sense he didn’t like me.) One less place. They don’t miss me.

One less man to pick up after, no more laughter, no more love

Barbara Streisand – One Less Bell to Answer (1971)

One less pair of jeans upon your door, one less voice a talkin’

Jim Croce – One Less Set of Footsteps (1973)

If you’re normal,

the following paragraph

may give some insight into

what it’s like for me, and many Aspies,

when trying to understand normal motivations.

I now dare continue imagining emotion is like a spectrum, say on a number line from fear to love (here, have a flower): and then… say it’s two-dimensional (add a vertical axis), measuring intensity from low to high. This is exactly like the visible spectrum of light from red to violet (recall that white light through a prism becomes a rainbow); and light is just hyper-fast vibrating waves of energy (both energy and emotion are action nouns). But wait, there’s more! Human eyes detect only superfast vibrations, between 400 and 800 THz (terahertz), or within reasonable range of the middle of the rainbow, say, green (maybe envy, to greed), which is about 600 x 10¹² Hz (600,000,000,000,000 or six-hundred trillion cycles per second); which works out to about 400 to 700 nanometers in wavelength (the width of a cycle). Now, if a beam of energy gets disrupted, somewhere between the source and the detector (your eye), there will be a black line on that rainbow, where something has absorbed or dispersed everything vibrating at that particular speed – atoms can either/both absorb/emit photons at specific known values (every element has a unique barcode, this is how we know what stars are made of). With the passage of time, space expands, disrupting light by stretching the distance between some star and your eye; what was once violet, now seems red to us, etc. (Strange? Perhaps.) The Cosmic Microwave Background (CMB) is the echo left over from when photons were first able to move freely, shortly after the Big Bang; and is now too slow to be seen (too long a wavelength for human eyes), almost in the radio range. Redshift. One day it will be undetectable. We wonder what else may be undetectable now. Recall Cosmos.

For small creatures such as we,

the vastness is bearable only through love.

Carl Sagan

Curious that we spend more time

congratulating people who have succeeded

than encouraging people who have not.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

Does the sense of unwelcome, so pervading, even foreboding, even just unconsciously affect our attitudes, our aptitudes? It’s not that I don’t have emotions, at all: more like… see, I wouldn’t be able to perform “Twist and Shout” or something. I just don’t ever feel that strongly about things. My wife has taken me out to karaoke, and after Guinness or two, I can possibly do an impression of a standard rock star (and even mostly stay on key), but it’s not what I want to be. I need a lead singer. For me, I want people to appreciate the material, the piece; when I give a performance, it’s like a recital (avec fromage). For my wife, who sings beautifully (every buddy’s in awe), she wants the audience to be moved, emotionally (ironically, her superpower is being extra tuned-in to emotions; she’s an LCSW). I guess I am only “moved” (to expression) if/when I feel trapped, enough to intellectually justify panic; but these thoughts don’t lead me to common conclusions, so I have no understanding of what most people are thinking/feeling – it has to be explained to me, and even then, it doesn’t make sense. I have to say, “no disparagement” – and even then, it is usually not believed. I guess I seem arrogant, or unfeeling, which puts people off. We Aspies typically don’t understand why people express the emotions they do; to me, it just doesn’t seem logical.

I can’t pretend a stranger is a long-awaited friend

Rush – Limelight (1981)

I personally further imagine emotions are more multidimensional, where there’s an emotion for wtf. Feel it? Yeah. (One of the many services I provide. We humans schtick together.) Maybe my 2D emotional plane is tilted towards/away from you in 3D, or something. Or maybe we all have 3D emotion spectrums, and mine’s rotated/shifted/scaled relative to normal – like an old time TV channel not quite tuned in. I can’t tell what emotions people are feeling (nearly as well as normal people can). In public, I probably just look scared, cuz I’m agoraphobic; or naive. Maybe I was a friendly dog, in a former life. All I can tell is… it’s not going over. I guess it matters for security reasons, also possibly getting thingies done. (The only thing that really ever got/gets me worked up is: not being able to do what I must, or had better; that and being falsely accused, or rejected without a why – main triggers, all related – trapped, panic.) Sometimes, all I know is something’s very important, but no one is going to tell me: I must guess, and if I guess incorrectly... anyway, goes to unworthy.

Farscape: Rygel XVI, “I don't need to talk to you”

https://youtube.com/watch?v=fb0RKQlvG6Y

And I don’t really have the status or job security to say, “I don’t need to talk to you” – the single in heaviest rotation, on my internal drive time, is: “What Did/Do I Do Now?” The solo/bridge is just… long silence. That doesn’t make for very good entertainment. Maybe if we still had After School Specials. There should be Sesame Street for all grade levels; and Bugs Bunny should be mandatory. Also, some calculus, could have told me in elementary school. I miss Reading Rainbow; first it was the only thing on, then it was the only thing on.

It's not about division. It's not about politics.

My concern is how do we come together?

LeVar Burton

Big ones help the little ones…

Rhea Perlman, guest hosting Sesame Street

I've been on disability for agoraphobia since 1992, immediately after being homeless for four years (pretty much the entire kinder gentler administration). For about 20 years I was The Boy in the Plastic Bubble (https://youtube.com/watch?v=nO5PC-rBsK8). I have moderately exasperating, mildly debilitating PTSD: my most obvious/annoying trigger is public places. I have tried a little bit of working from home, but not having any real business acumen, I have yet to come up with anything to sell that anyone wants to buy. About 9 years ago, my dad died, and left me enough to finally move out to a nice friendly part of the West Coast, where hippies are safer. About 5 years ago, some nice friendly local intellectuals talked to me into the idea that I could possibly pursue a college degree and claim my place among them. I found, to my surprise, that I was able to manage a 4.0 GPA – apparently, my inner child had grown up to be Doogie Howser (http://imdb.com/title/tt0096569).

Today I made my first real adult decision.

I decided to stay a kid a little longer.

Doogie Howser (S1E02)

Bugs Bunny – Wile E Coyote, Super Genius

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STeVTzWelns

There is always a culture gap. (Another thingy about the PNW: I have never encountered so many huggy people in all my life; but I’m on the spectrum, so please don’t even touch me, no offense – I guess that’s kinda rude of me, too.) My frame of reference: I was an only child, with no friends, so I watched a lot of TV growing up; and as an adult, in even further isolation, I spent most of my time with the TV on all day, while I puttered endlessly on my PC. As a result, I’ve been exposed to much more media than your average American. I qualify as a (partial) media (popular culture) geek (see Dream On: http://imdb.com/title/tt0098780). Conversely, in my experience, people here in the PNW watch TV much less than average, so my attempts at casual references way most often go high over people’s heads. Ironically, I’ve had better luck with the Star Trek quotes – in most places I’ve lived, being a Trekkie is a one-way ticket out.

Star Trek TNG - The Outrageous Okona Joe Piscopo Joke

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXj5hNJkHNQ

Comic Relief - Star Trek TNG

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hra0I-w3XBY

But the biggest dichotomy is possibly that this region seems to have missed much of the evolution in comedy that’s taken place over the span of my lifetime, the last half century. Unintentional automatic assimilated dry wit will mark me a comic genius (people will laugh out loud for a solid minute, tears will flow), while an actual on-purpose gag will land flat, even elicit hostility (because sarcasm is thought to be only evil) – yet the same exact bit (now forgotten), on TV, will garner the obligatory appropriate response; perhaps it’s the source, my general direction. I guess a star comic presents as somewhat of an authority: a modern soothsayer, of sorts. And if you’re investing an hour in their special, even the stuff that offends you is more likely to make you think than turn off the Netflix. I guess I just don’t have the undivided attention required to come free with enough grains of salt. But being around these people for years, it surely must have come up that I mean no harm. With either/both Aspies and Normals, some thingies that seem really obvious to me, I’m surprised that I have to explain them, and more bewildered when they get mad – so now that’s what I expect: I’m being trained to keep my mouth shut, just smile and agree. I wish I had a magic wand to lighten people up.

Surely, you’re not saying we have the resources to save the poor from their lot

There will be poor always, pathetically struggling, look at the good things you’ve got

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)

Neither you… nor the 50,000… understand at all…

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)

I just realized something: I am sick… sick and tired of people being mad at me. (Not that I’ll ever do anything about it, hence the economy of the situation, but…) I have yet to mean any harm in my entire life – yet, I always seem to be in trouble, with someone, for something, and it usually only makes it worse if I ask what. I was raised to be open and reasonable, calmly discuss grievances, try to work thingies out (I'm OK--You're OK (1967): https://www.harpercollins.com/9780060724276/im-ok-youre-ok) – in my experience, that’s considered confrontational (it’s evidently rude/undiplomatic to assert incorrectness). I suppose I should be more in sympathy with what it must be like for them to encounter such a freak as myself, especially after being normal your whole life, maybe even working hard at it. It’s probably considered commendable to have a firm standard of acceptable normality, and thus what constitutes reject-able criteria, even required for responsible adult status. One thingy I kinda do have an issue with, and have no trouble taking into some consideration: whether you wash your hands after going to the bathroom (which is surprisingly rare). This means, to many, I am hopelessly OCD. Even just washing before eating. Some people even ridicule or get mad. I try not to shake hands too much.

Monk (Tony Shaloub)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=hq_b2DwXu8Y

https://youtube.com/watch?v=3M9l84haDQU

https://youtube.com/watch?v=Qj_tnqp4Wyw

https://youtube.com/watch?v=pjcLVe0_UY4

I once tried to get a seeing eye person, for my agoraphobia, as has the fictional Monk – which is just endless overt ridicule of OCD, and probably caused more trouble for me than spread awareness about being a fellow human being, etc. (though I suppose this helped more obviously autistic people be understood by the general masses). Anyways, everywhere I went for such a service: charged an arm and a leg; every precious moment was unavoidably sprinkled with amateur-hour (entirely unprofessional) curing sessions and assorted ulterior motives in those general directions; but mostly we spent the whole time not understanding pretty much anything I said… over the top. Taking my temperature. I won’t get into specifics; I’ll just say I stopped believing them.

Zeta:       I'm getting intermittent transmissions from somewhere undetermined!

      They seem to want me to drop my shields… should I track the source?

Cuz-Bro:                 No, I think they want you to try to track the source, actually.

Dudeman:                  Ah, prolly a groovy time to get out my guitar n act casual…

I ended up going to my planned open mic alone (essential life moment), where I met Rayna, the woman I love and married – five years later, to the day, open mic theme wedding, in our back yard (we have legendary open mic theme anniversary parties here, every August, also celebrating her birthday).

Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends

We’re so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside

Emerson, Lake & Palmer - Karn Evil 9

https://youtube.com/watch?v=P19BpRijJD4

I noticed her right away and was in awe. I did not notice or expect, but she came up to me – and I almost screwed it up too badly, being by then completely out of sorts and pretty much alone in a crowd, naively relying on comedy to break the ice. Had my mysteriously elusive yet highly paid adult-sitter gone with me, I probably would have introduced myself to her, and ideally would have been appropriately coached, or at least explained (this was my plan, still required: I’m the kinda person… who needs to be explained?). My set went over, I was told to come back, by the host, who is also an Aspie, as is his then girlfriend; they rented a room from Rayna, and I was (eventually) welcomed into their fold. She has a touch of Asperger’s herself, turns out. Her experience (with the combination of her condition and the world) had convinced her that she didn’t want or need anyone. She tells me that being around me has changed her perspective on that. I had stumbled into the commune I sought, first roll (now roll for surprise). Already a savant on the piano, she picked up guitar, from me and others, in no time flat. This is the middle verse of a song she wrote, our signature number (debut hit single), about us saving each other:

A long day as we float on the water

The sun sinking, and the moon is rising

We sleep, perhaps dreaming of nothing

Nothing comes for us over the dark water…

And I will hold you… and you will hold me too

Rayna – Lullaby (2011)

We’re probably never going to do any of my songs, though. Maybe they’re not meant for the world. It does hurt my feelings a little, I guess, if I think about it… but I think mostly I’m feeling the frustration of not being useful, of anything I have/create being worth a gander. Maybe I'm a songwriting savant. Or actually, I think my savant budget is spread out in a few key choice areas, which is the way to go (whatever that means; I can only guess; the gods are bastards). Maybe if I took a year off to print everything out, and got a big fan…

Those Endearing Young Charms

https://youtu.be/h1rXcm2mbKI?t=1m44s

I read a story long ago (which I’ll never find) about a special child that began to show early signs of magical wizard like abilities. As a young man, he was given to a priestess, who took him to an isolated place far-away and trained him to control his abilities. It starts out as kinda a love story, but as he became older, he gradually became more and more retarded, and his magic more powerful. Soon, he was a raving lunatic invalid, causing hurricanes with his nightmares, which is why she wore a ceremonial dagger around her neck the whole time. Okay, it’s Samson and Delilah, but he got more than a haircut. Epilogue, she delivers the baby to her boss.

Some of those that work forces are the same that burn crosses…

Now yer under control, and ya do what they told ya…

Rage Against the Machine – Killing in the Name

There was a time when we were on rocky ground, or rough waters. My new girlfriend liked to go out with her new boyfriend, in public, of all places. Trying to prepare, I would ask too many questions about what it was like where we were going (how many people, who all we know, how much noise, is there a discreet booth, escape plan…?). She began to feel it was all just an excuse to say no… and avoid being with her. She doesn’t smoke, so my apartment was out; and she hates talking on the phone… I was being drawn out. She became my (reluctant) seeing-eye-person, and we began going to safe places. At first, it was the park; we would bring our acoustic guitars and a picnic lunch. One on one, I’m fine; a few people on the horizon, no worries; but a change comes over me in crowds: my Aspie brain can’t tune it all out and can easily become overwhelmed. This is especially true of especially a downtown campus. Thanks to her, I have now an Associate of Science degree: something I long gave up on ever even attempting (especially being patently unemployable anyways, no point). Maybe hypersensitivity, or even relative lack of applicable emotions, associated with autism, is all an evolutionary self-defense mechanism, designed to protect against nobody getting us. It is true that I am thinking about different things than most, but with her help, I may yet develop an acclimation strategy. I guess the plan is some form of autonomy.

What if I told you it will all end tomorrow, at 11:59

This illusion we’re enamored with will all run out of time

Would you do it all again?

Rayna – Do It All (2018)

If only I could sing… I can be fairly outgoing, actually. Out among friends, feeling safe, I’m even often mistaken for normal, for a time. I’ve always been friendly. Little bit of a puppy dog. Some find this off-putting. I tried for years looking for fellow space cadets online; had some success. I don’t chat with any of them anymore; I may have said something out of line. But I do have fond memories, it kept me sane, almost stable. I have some higher than average (supposedly human) need for community and acceptance, and also higher than average history of rejection. These forces attempt to find a balance, much like thermonuclear and gravity, in a star.

Welcome to the cruel world, hope you find your way…

There must be more good than bad, or we'd already be gone

Ben Harper – Welcome to the Cruel World (1994)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=4r7HRYeVcmw

https://youtube.com/watch?v=V4WLhOw6d0o

The back of my mind has an unobtrusive bulletin board, with plans for if this current family casts me out, which seems possible sometimes (I will not know what hit me; I think they’re probably way more sensitive than even average Earthlings; I personally am not programmed (never have been allowed) to take anything other than how it was intended; can’t talk em out of it; they have anger issues – it’s okay, I had my dad). Sometimes I think probably the main reason why I’ve stayed so long is that I don’t know what it’s like to be treated how they expect to be, or have become accustomed to, and hence don’t always notice the disparity right away. In this Aspie household, different people have different boundaries. When I do mention, later, that something isn’t working for me, it doesn’t usually go over (a common boundary, apparently/obviously). Where’s the island of lost sheep? There’s other planets, right? Pick an arty one.

Witness the man who raves at the wall

Making the shape of his questions to Heaven

Pink Floyd – Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun (1968)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=3zuEfmmCA5s

Some hand in hand, some gathered together in bands

The bleeding hearts and the artists make their stand

And when they’ve given their all, some stagger and fall

After all, it’s not easy: banging your heart against some man and his wall

Pink Floyd – Outside the Wall (1977)

“The illegality of cannabis is outrageous,

an impediment to full utilization of a drug

which helps produce the serenity and insight,

sensitivity and fellowship so desperately needed

in this increasingly mad and dangerous world.” – Carl Sagan

(https://azarius.net/news/306/These_7_quotes_made_Carl_Sagan_into_a_true_cannabis_hero)

And don't worry I'm a total lightweight; I can easily get too buzzed; I actually don't enjoy being high (doesn't go over around people; oh, God, the Stoners I’ve hung out with; didn't end well; never mind – but they had occasional/arbitrary sensitive/cranky tendencies, too; maybe it’s me?). And in the world and/or not, when so much of what I get slammed for is not getting something (though I did notice there is no known or theoretically acceptable penalty for not getting me), it’s hard to maintain the (inverse reciprocal) perspective: that innocent ignorance (or even proud, blatant moronics) is no reason for disparagement or repercussions. (I’ve grown accustomed to having my answers to their questions interrupted with a change of subject – sea legs: will the alien overlords require over-the-top accommodations?) But sometimes, even just pointing out what just happened… go to video… is taken as an unforgivable insult. And they stand by everything; there is no correcting – can’t be wrong, interrupt without being interrupted, hostile planet. It’ll all be in my report. Fascinating. I only complain because it goes to security, or even just impedes my functionality. I think the media encourages us to disparage, mock, even be angry at people who are different; and I fear that soon it will be taken as an insult, just being naturally different. How dare we. A subliminal broadcast designed to divide and conquer.

U.S. Court Rules Dreadlock Ban During Hiring Process Is Legal

https://nbcnews.com/news/nbcblk/u-s-court-rules-dreadlock-ban-during-hiring-process-legal-n652211

Do not ever mention anything about Asperger’s at any job interview; or any of the following: First, never call the suicide hotline for free counseling (they’re actually not allowed; they will only take your name and address and keep you on the line until the ice cream truck arrives – have a nice vacation). As you can imagine, Asperger’s being a new thingy, I’ve been misdiagnosed, a few times, more than what’s recommended – and mis-prescribed. I once had to be rushed to the hospital, where they were legally obligated to give me more completely wrong drugs – which you’d better take, or else… “spend a night in the box”.

Cool Hand Luke (Paul Newman, 1967)

Night in the Box: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvwqK2gn3S0

Failure to Communicate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBBWUZfgRiw

So, I had those witty comedy misadventures⁶ (which mark you as a non-straight-man). They send you home, with a prescription and a follow-up appointment. When the meds don’t work, or have intolerable side effects, they usually try to get you to give it a little while longer. Then they try something else. If you go off your meds, some can take a while to wear off completely; meanwhile, don’t let anyone pick a fight with you. If people ask, I have to say: having my own website design business… is what I was up to from 1992 through 2012. This is true, but I barely had any customers – not even enough to have to report; I’ve checked. I kept busy. I have about a dozen websites. Now that I have a little education, a few of them are going to be improved.

It’s hard to be bored without being boring.

Leonard to Joel, Northern Exposure

Low self-esteem is the root cause of

practically all the pain and misery in the world.

Leonard to Ed, Northern Exposure

 [Maurice catches Ed talking to his statue]

Maurice:      Look, Ed. If you've got something to say, you say it to me. You got that?

Ed:             Okay, Maurice. But, uh -

Maurice:     But what?

Ed:            Well, it's just that he's a little easier to talk to.

Maurice:      The statue?

Ed:              Well, he doesn't throw my thoughts off like you do sometimes.

Maurice:       I don't throw your thoughts off, son! What are you talking about?

Ed:               Well, kind of like now, Maurice.

Maurice:        I'm not in the business of throwing people's thoughts off! Is that clear?

https://quotes.net/show/1173

I keep busy. I still stay in, as much as I can. I wish more people (I knew) knew about, cared about, were interested in, could help with… some or even all of these projects I am so passionate about. At my age, my psyche is evolved to be a manager by now – approaching grandparent/pseudo-elder. Isolation garners me no real sense of what’s (even too) commendable: the plus side is it keeps me striving, I guess; a minus is accidentally bragging, not being taken seriously, and having that kind of reputation. And I don’t care if you’re not bright, only kind; but I’ve been told I still forgive too easily the not being kind or nice enough to me. I don’t always notice. I keep my head down. It’s called shoegaze for a reason.

I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo, what the hell am I doin here?

I don’t belong here… whatever makes you happy…

Radiohead – Creep (1993)

Karma police, arrest this man, he talks in maths

He buzzes like a fridge, he's like a detuned radio

Radiohead – Karma Police (1997)

He was a better person than you ever even though about bein.

Det. Andy Sipowicz (Dennis Franz), NYPD Blue

I’ve seen every episode of NYPD Blue at least once. TV helps. It’s nobody’s job to schtick up for me; and, as I say, I’m not really allowed to schtick up for myself. When I do (even encouraged, by that person) as I say, it doesn’t go over (ha-ha, fell for it again)⁷ – so, I’ve by necessity evolved to: might as well just skip the part where I declare myself an equal, and just leave. Media is a respected authority; so, when TV shows stick up for people like me, it brings a tear to the eye… of my inner child, I sense. I should also note that there’s no other/more appropriate place than this for me to tell that story. I should probably especially not convey that observation to anyone I know. Maybe if media said that. Probably the whole career of Robin Williams can be summed up by that observation (if he’s not Aspie, call Orson, get yer munny back).

Wow, reality: what a concept!

Robin Williams (debut comedy album title, 1979)

Okay, okay… I’m smart (and I apologize) – but not like/how most others are. Subsets of this magnitude are often called fake, inauthentic, aberration; there’s no other (sane) explanation. Maybe I was able to more easily develop these mental faculties because my brain chemistry is different, perhaps natural variation (I am smarter than either of my parents, and I don’t say that arrogantly; but I didn’t find that out right away). Regular smart people have the common instinct to determine another person’s emotional state, see things from their perspective, that certainly served our ancestors well for millions of years.

Fred Flintstone So Mad He's Mumbling

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-VBYitLIfQ

Most brains are wired to detect this almost automatically, and some people are really good at it; I am not. It’s like being color-blind. Normal Earthlings are used to being immersed in that world, in the background (like a fish in water, or bird in flight), and are thus of course excellent at detecting patterns of that type, specific to that complex native environment, unconsciously recognizing subtle nuances, many moves ahead, especially those of above average intelligence. I’m not even at the starting line. My thought processes are adapted to different patterns. It’s like growing up playing completely different video games – which is entirely possible now, in the same games.

            World of Warcraft

            https://www.youtube.com/user/WorldofWarcraft

            https://worldofwarcraft.com/en-us

            http://www.wowhead.com

I played WoW for years, so has my new family – for me, it was kinda pseudo-training for: Imagine a country boy’s first visit to the big city: replayed every day. I know the bottom light means go, and the top one means stop, but they all look the same to me. If I were born on a different planet, around a different star, I might have eyes that can’t see the color red and/or warn of (alert user to) extreme temperatures; but then I might be able to see ultraviolet, and all kinds of things that you can’t, and may even consider unimportant. If there were many of us, we might be considered a threat, especially if there were something really interesting in the invisible-to-you realms. We may be able to more readily/comprehensively understand/relate-to AI. Wouldn’t that be a thing. What if only we could convince HAL to open the pod bay doors? I think I would like to see that.

I am putting myself to the fullest possible use,

which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

HAL 9000 – 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

I may be only incidentally good in math (my limit does not go to infinity). My real love is being creative. But there’s still the unusual thing. A few have tried, or just tried to be nice, but for all the other people's projects I've even gleefully worked on, some even occasionally frustrating, ideas emanating from within my noggin have some negative incentive attached to just behold, much less participate in (maybe I have cooties, maybe I’m contraband, banned band). I have yet to have someone collaborate with me beyond the initial idea stage. Beyond their tolerance, supposedly over their heads: ahead of my own time? (I swear I’ve seen gags I’ve written appear on TV years later. Even some bits of music have been also discovered or happened upon by someone else with a better agent, bigger budget.) I’ve come to define a noted common behavioral anomaly as partly disappointment that I turned out to not be what they thought, or had hoped, were initially excited about. People in the world, who saw me comin, are probably little comfort. Maybe the lack of emotion thing is a natural defense mechanism. My frustration is the lack of action. Extreme facets of that are to some a favorite genre of comedy. Wayne’s World; Beevis and Butthead.

• “Oh, God, I made eye contact.”

• “I’m having a good time… not!”

• “We’re not worthy, we’re not worthy!”

Wayne’s World (1992)

So, Garth, being comically nerdy, is some people’s only introduction to my type of creature, my species – now they know how to deal/relate. The first imitation is flattery. More is less so, escalating exponentially based on sensitivity and tension, ever further from regard and on into infinite ridicule. Speedy Gonzales and Foghorn Leghorn would not be permitted today (the gap is widening), but I can’t imagine anyone from either of those demographics being insulted by them, because it was done with respect. In my recollection, Foghorn-isms are proudly owned; and I have a (part Aspie, part) Mexican friend who named his son Speedy (Hernandez; The Daily Show once remembered Slow-Poke Rodríguez [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYi_hq2p1Ac], to give us a Normal-Speed Hernandez: non-unseeable, now domestic cannon). Crocodile Dundee is another story, however. We’re not meant to be together, whatever design.

Imagine seven million people all wanting to live together.

Yeah, New York must be the friendliest place on earth.

Crocodile Dundee (1986)

Whaddya own the world, how do ya own disorder

System of a Down – Toxicity

When I first began listening to (Zeppelin, Yes, Sabbath) Rush and Pink Floyd, I became optimistic, especially once I started jamming, and began to seriously write songs (1983). By the time I graduated high school (1986), popular music had let me down – nowhere was there anything interesting; M_TV had seen to that. Soon after, the declaration of the Classic Rock genre relegated all complex material to the past. Music, art, space science: no budget. That sort of thing was/is no longer encouraged. [Insert generic witty bit about the detrimental influence of generic corporatism upon modern generic civilization.] Even grunge, a rebirth for hard rock, is pretty simple/basic; and I continue to be amazed that most people know next to absolute-zero about space. (Real quick, name all the planets in their proper order, and the nearest star. If you can, you get a star on your forehead.)

"An extremely quiet child," they called you in your school report

"He's always taken interest in the subjects that he's taught"…

"He's unconcerned with competition; he never cares to win"

Elton John – Ticking (Caribou, 1974)

Maybe it's not too late, to learn how to love, and forget how to hate

                Ozzy Osbourne – Crazy Train (Blizzard of Ozz, 1980)

I can't believe they stop and stare, and point their fingers, doubting me

Their disbelief suppresses them, but they're not blind, it's just that they won't see

                Ozzy Osbourne – Believer (Diary of a Madman, 1981)

Ozzy is an aspie (my observations suggest): Elton John once gave him a peace sign necklace made of solid gold; and Ozzy was visibly moved to uncomfortable silence, and he immediately ran up the stairs, to Sharon, leaving a confused (almost befuddled) Elton in the foyer, on the TV show The Osbournes (http://tv.com/shows/the-osbournes/charity-case-396252), so it could have totally been scripted; but hey. I have been known to run to my wife; but if she thinks she has to mother me, that’s the end for the rest of the day. I don’t need to be mothered; but understood, accepted would be nice. I have to pick one?⁸ Sometimes, especially in public, just being observed is associated in my mind with being rejected. That’s not cool. However valid.

Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re gonna love it!

Monica, Friends (TV Show)

Of course, it's wrong. You'll always be wrong!

In fact, the odds of you being right are staggering!

Dick Solomon, 3rd Rock from the Sun

My wife, as I say, is on the spectrum, about as much as me, more or less. She’s being triggered right now: partly by a stressful job, partly by the lack of sleep that comes with it. Where my superpower is multitasking (also: connections, pattern recognition), hers is primarily intense focus – the trade-off is she is stymied by interruptions: so, if she’s busy, I shouldn’t say any more than “hi” (also, if she interrupts me, I should just let her; I’m the one able to keep track of all the loose ends emanating: one of the many services I provide). When I express concerns, she feels unsafe, like she has to protect me, and often panics; thus, I cannot express concerns. Therefore, we each have our own complimentary trifectas. It might be interesting, to me, to see a show where different Aspies interact. One such candidate is The Big Bang Theory, which I have not seen, but it is the only artifact I know of that has multiple intentional Aspie characters. I imagine it’s like Friends meets 3rd Rock?

Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women.

Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

Sheldon, The Big Bang Theory

My point is, while you're spending all this time on your own, building computers or practicing your cello, what you're really doing is becoming interesting. When people finally do notice you, they're gonna find someone a lot cooler than they thought. And for those of you that were popular in high school: it's over, sorry. Thank you. Congratulations.

Leonard, The Big Bang Theory

We thought we’d found a good hang-out. My wife and I have a little musical duo together, where she sings and we both play guitar. There’s this open mic that one of my wife’s friends frequents. We went over well. I even started playing bass in her friend’s band (I’m Cousin It, in the back, reading charts, with shades). Things got busy for her at work, and she couldn’t attend for a while, but I just happened to be in the neighborhood already anyways on those nights, last term, so I took it upon myself to get out more often, be among friends (“good for the soul”). Mostly, I wanted feedback from musicians and composers I admire. Long story short, I would still get a few nice compliments (which I’m still learning how to appropriately respond to), but… eventually my originals cleared out the place, and I was privately asked to not come anymore, unless I was playing with either my wife or her friend (and only in a support capacity). Too avant-garde (it simply isn’t done). I was told some of them thought I was just improvising for my 15 minutes: as far as they could tell, incoherently (the repeated parts were apparently too busy/complex to notice the “comin around again, on the guitar”). I failed to move. Inappropriate. So, basically, the whole time, when it was supposed to be about the love, the love of music, not a competition, no favoritism… cue Lucy.

“I don't like people lying to me.

I don't like people who don't return my calls.

I don't like people who won't give me a straight answer.

I don't like those kinds of people, and I've been vocal about it.”

Dan Aykroyd

This upset my wife, and I guess my feelings were hurt, too (she hasta tell me) – but mainly because I can’t figure out how to make it work: myself in public. Frustrating. Fascinating. It’ll all be in my report. As it turns out: being me is not… cool enough? Irony is, I heard, the next week, someone comes in with sheet music, original, plays weirder stuff than mine, goes over. (Maybe I should do that: print out my three songs, tablature converted to manuscript, via Guitar Pro – need someone to turn the pages for me, and I would have to pretend to look.) I went back, on an off night, and played a straight set, even sang (which I prefer to avoid), all originals, which were approved, and am thus now welcome back, long as I behave like an Earthling. “I don’t think…”

Bugs Bunny vs Pete Puma

https://youtube.com/watch?v=aGns_QEUPTw

There’s a starman waiting in the sky

He’d like to come and meet us, but he thinks he’d blow our minds

David Bowie – Starman (1972)

So, I asked facebook if it would be wrong to tell Hendrix to just stick to Wild Thing: crickets. We’re not missed. Or, actually… her, they like. I need a real-life Cheers. I’m in a place right now where (maybe it just seems) there’s nothing I’m allowed to do that I’m any good at, and there’s nothing I’m any good at that I’m allowed to do. And my wife is, too; but compared to her professional occupation, my troubles appear insignificant – mine being more or less equally debilitating only really speaks to my inadequacies, which goes to relevance, and thus morale. A common frustration for people on the spectrum: being trapped on a planet (in a primitive galaxy) where it’s still common for people to become frustrated enough where even calm logic has no effect, reason is unwelcome, and attempts at such will get you banished/punished. “Where’s my Yob?”

Looney Tunes - Rocket Bye Baby

http://dailymotion.com/video/x5qmfj

I’ll just glance/gesture in the general direction of any intellectuals being generally demonized politically, more and more these days. It makes most sense perhaps to people for whom intelligence is only useful for getting over on others. [Insert any Monty Python bit here.] (With my millions, I’ll help the homeless: paying special attention to people who, like myself, have yet to find acceptance as they are.)

“On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot; it is a silly place.”

King Arthur, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

One thingy I noticed/realized recently: a wave of joy rushed over me (probably); being Aspie means I don’t necessarily have to do eye contact (anymore), which has always been a mandatory struggle for me – an area in which I was pathetically inept, cause for rejection, ill-consideration. The arrogance it exudes. The indifference it projects. Some can totally get away with it, though. I have gotten in trouble for not trying to connect, then for trying to connect, then for trying to not connect – that is the usual order. Persecution complex. Paranoid. What’s the point? No matter what, there’ll be a test on material I’m not allowed to know about. If the exasperation is ironic/satire… the best modern guess is: I have an Extreme Male Brain (more comprehensive analysis, less socialization and politics). People should see this:

The World of Asperger's - Full Video (11:10)

http://fod.infobase.com.proxy.lib.pdx.edu/p_ViewVideo.aspx?xtid=47656

Films for the Humanities & Sciences (Firm), Films Media Group (2008)

Look around: typically, generally, half the males in this room, any room, if there were ESPN on the wall, they could talk for five minutes on what that guy just did wrong, interjecting with stats from the back of his card. Females, on the other hand: soap operas are all about complex interactions of intricate combinations of emotions and social politics. Just different approaches to predicting the future, survival (the successful methods emerged, selected by environment). I get lectures on feelings and subtleties, mostly when I step on someone’s toes (always inadvertently: and as I say, most of it goes right over my head; I’m in the doghouse a lot – silly hippie, schtick is for Earthlings). In my experience, dudes don’t really wanna be too chatty about relationships, and I’ve never heard of a female owner of a stamp collection or builder of a ship in a bottle. My aunt watches football religiously, has since my cousins were kids in the 70s (mostly boys, all jocks), has several favorite teams, season tickets… couldn’t tell you how many people are supposed to be on the field (it’s okay, she finds it amusing, too). Some people I know appear convinced that there is no natural predilection of personality based on the different gender correlating brain chemistry, at all – that it’s all nurture, but…

Why is Autism More Common in Males – Simon Baron-Cohen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4m_TylwRnY

Also associated with autism: not liking/tolerating change, and not liking being touched. Those are both just so total guy things. Autism is four times, and Asperger’s is nine times: more common in boys than girls – but only as per current observations. Maybe being empathic or just a super genius in emotions is not as noticeable, or particularly flagged as odd (hmm, auto-irony in there somewhere, flag for future satire). In the original full story that this clip (http://abc.net.au/catalyst/stories/2346896.htm) is cropped of, near the end, the presenter comments casually, as if it’s perfectly understandable, that parents might want to abort a baby they know in advance to have Asperger’s. That’s a pretty knee jerk reaction gone awry, I gotta tellya (and no one should need a HAL or Data to point that out). No animosity, no disparagement, just noting, just noticing, just sayin’ …and it doesn’t remotely compare to people of color, gay, transgender – but even those people reject me, see no reason not to. (Probably me; I’ll probably be fine.)

They ask me where the hell I'm going

At a thousand feet per second

Hey man, slow down…

Radiohead – The Tourist (1997)

You forgive ignorance (or you’re supposed to); I’ve had some experience. But I’m no longer naïve enough to expect things will be very different, or especially any better. Logically, statistically, it’s actually more likely one future Aspie will decide that Normals are undesirable; and weed those more common genes out of the pool/pond. At least a planet of stoic Vulcans, some mad scientist; it’s a possibility. Emotions do lead to bad decisions, sometimes; but theoretically evolved and were favored by the environment as they successfully avoided life threatening dangers and/or caused more of those particularly peculiar primates to have subsequently more offspring. (Whatever moves you. I tend to be more mechanical in my assessments.) Today, emotions are what most keeps people watching TV and movies; listening to music – whatever the most can relate to: sadly, often the lowest common denominator. Familiar with irony (satire, sarcasm), I doubt the more empathic majority will have sufficient stomach for some such as us. I think Aspies in media are a possibly passing fad, currently experiencing only a freak peak. I think Aspie celebrities are being selected against. The world just can’t identify. Maybe a hero will emerge, like Einstein, someone to look up to for a while, but a better future example of how not to be – too weird. Maybe as we become more socially connected, digitally, that status/skill will matter more, and those unable to master it will fall behind, whatever else offered. I have developed some skill in explaining complex concepts, even to people who sincerely believed such thingies were too far over their heads to even consider; most don’t want to listen… and this is too far for me, so far as I can imagine, so far. I mean, Flea’s cool, but… the combination of Aspie and hippie: people are more often insulted, get angrier, if/when it turns out I was/am right (hafta forget I said anything, to save face).

“Personally, I liked the university.

They gave us money and facilities,

we didn't have to produce anything!

You've never been out of college!

You don't know what it's like out there!

I've WORKED in the private sector. They expect RESULTS.”

Dr. Raymond Stantz (Dan Aykroyd), Ghostbusters (1984)

This paper is five times longer than asked for. I may not be able to turn it in. There’s just so much that needs explaining; I hope I’ve made effort enough to adequately scratch the surface. Not for the assignment, but for the dear reader’s understanding. There may be no such thingy as too much, far as I’m concerned – I’m an Energizer Bunny, eye on infinity. I can see how that might be annoying, though.

First Energizer Bunny Commercial

https://youtube.com/watch?v=qiFQsxGUQOI

To do a thing, there are basically three requirements: means, motive, and opportunity; it has to be possible, it has to be allowed, and you have to be able (proficient). I seem to be at an impasse. There’s not much at all I’m any good at (and/or want/need/like to do) that anyone has any use for, and not much of what I must do that I’m any good at, and not much I can do about that.

People sometimes say I’m arrogant and whiny, and a challenge to tolerate – if true, I’m happy to correct, but the answer is rarely/never something I am actually capable of doing, or often even understanding (see, schtick like that). For everything I can do that you can’t, there’s ten things you can do that I can’t: so, not much reason to put up with me. I’m not the only one who knows this, but most of them will insist it’s not true, get mad, and change the subject. Not sure I’m not completely retarded (cue dissatisfied glare).

Gary Jules – Mad World

https://youtube.com/watch?v=AhT_wusAyoc

When people present as mad at me, I’m trained to automatically assume it’s my fault, somehow (hmm). I mean, I look up to them: if Normal, they’re much more accomplished in the area/field of human relations than I am, so would no how better to proceed/behave; (and either way, but especially) if Aspie, there’s mysterious sensitivities I’m prone to stomp upon, equally uncool. I hafta notice, though (if I can for a moment without being too rude): I’m not allowed to be mad. Going, “now, wait a minute, that’s not what I said, or even think, or…” does not go over a smidge, especially in a raised tone of voice, to prevent further interruption, that flag won’t be respected; authority is declared; I have none; I lose; works every time: cue Lucy. (Charles M Schulz, author of Peanuts: definitely Aspie)

Charlie Brown: Snoopy Come Home [Part 1]

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x590hg8

For my part, as I went away, I reasoned with regard to myself: “I am wiser than this human being. For probably neither of us knows anything noble and good, but he supposes he knows something when he does not know, while I, just as I do not know, do not even suppose that I do. I am likely to be a little bit wiser than he in this very thing: that whatever I do not know, I do not even suppose I know.” – Plato’s Apology of Socrates

http://www.sjsu.edu/people/james.lindahl/courses/Phil70A/s3/apology.pdf

Maybe I would be better off on my own (except I’d be lonely, a non-Aspie trait/predilection), and there’s not much I can do on my own. But now, so much of my brain is devoted to not pissing people off. Good premise for a sitcom: Hotheads. It’s amazing: I’m in trouble for not understanding, and trying to, at the same time. I have tried, but it seems I’ve been deemed unacceptable. Turn the page.

There you go man, keep as cool as you can

Face piles and piles of trials with smiles

It riles them to believe that you perceive

the web they weave, and keep on thinking free

The Moody Blues - In the Beginning (1969)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=AukFsBv2oDY

My wife is having mini meltdowns, now – not entirely uncommon for an Aspie, even high functioning. She’ll only do couples counseling if I’m also in solo therapy (useless otherwise, professional opinion). It’s overwork, lack of sleep, can’t talk her out of it, economic pressure. I’m not entirely sure how to proceed from here. This is the most at home I’ve ever felt in my life, especially with the hardliners. But I’m no longer able to believe optimism (that lobe’s been sanded off). They’ll get mad at that the most, probably (for not believing the madness will end soon).

Footnote (saved for last): I’m not Aspie enough… for the Aspie community.

Do a show, write a song, tell a story (around a campfire) about that. Maybe I’ll even hear about it.

“Ignorance of each other is what has made unity impossible in the past. Therefore, we need enlightenment. We need more light about each other. Light creates understanding, understanding creates love, love creates patience, and patience creates unity. Once we have more knowledge (light) about each other, we will stop condemning each other and a United front will be brought about." – Malcolm X

^FOOTNOTES

1.       Hudson Hawk (Bruce Willis, 1991)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=9GlPKq0fyBk

2.       Hairy Spotter

https://snopes.com/fact-check/native-american-scouts-long-hair-provided-almost-supernatural-tracking-abilities-vietnam-war

3.       Fear is the Mind (Kind) Killer

https://psychologytoday.com/blog/mind-in-the-machine/201612/fear-and-anxiety-drive-conservatives-political-attitudes

https://www.washingtonpost.com/amphtml/news/inspired-life/wp/2017/11/22/at-yale-we-conducted-an-experiment-to-turn-conservatives-into-liberals-the-results-say-a-lot-about-our-political-divisions/?utm_term=.96774e59092e&__twitter_impression=true

Dune: https://youtube.com/watch?v=kJsYKhEV6o0

Wilfred: https://youtube.com/watch?v=npT_E8yFTh0

4.       Baloney Detection Kit

https://brainpickings.org/2014/01/03/baloney-detection-kit-carl-sagan

https://www.facebook.com/BigThinkdotcom/videos/1440086736103446/?hc_ref=ARQXEcc1OlAjnOiWsTKYL95c3sUNdEMmPhu3RU-AMPpQ2nERsUcasLft9etA6FytNg8

5.       Spaceyhippie – Cloud Panoramas

https://photos.google.com/share/AF1QipNPLRWl7Kg-b8xkGDHpiTguJ3xZcr2-V_aC29raNPGngBBqyVDKKap5LtvgricXLw?key=dGEwVGtPUjBnMllEdUNkeWx0SnJocFRMMGd1bF9R

6.       Depression Is a Social Ill, Not an Individual Flaw

https://www.facebook.com/BigThinkdotcom/videos/1457149817730471/?hc_ref=ARQtaveW3mnAU58JxIEd93vrqL3NMz0IHzBwoiphZg0zLMQkyLehQPoDsEY4YiXyaTs&pnref=story

7.       Charlie Brown, Lucy and the Football

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (1973)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=055wFyO6gag

8.       Harlow's Studies on Dependency in Monkeys

https://youtube.com/watch?v=OrNBEhzjg8I

https://youtube.com/watch?v=_O60TYAIgC4

9.       Urban Dictionary – Grok

https://urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=grok