on autism and agoraphobia

recently, it's been suggested that i may be somewhat autistic
which explains alot, and i have no evidence to contradict that theory
(and i took a test recently online; and i fall, as expected, just over the line)
the problem now is (i think): that i can't get anyone to believe me
or have whatever sympathy bear any actual effect or help me...
we're told to have a positive attitude, accentuate the optimistic
which: if there were anything remotely like that available, etc
i'm pretty sure i'd be making the most of it
and this conversation wouldn't even exist

if there is, i challenge a dear reader
to point it out to me, politely, smiling
something other than that i'm whining
;o)


a new online
friend o mine,
Elesia Ashkenazy
whom i met seeking some help for myself
asked me a few questions for an interview
she had to cut down the word-count for her interview a lil bit...
(which was edited for content, time allotted, n to fit yer screen)
(and the readers digest condensed version can be viewed here)
and it's way too long, has shades of self-serving autobiography
but after further reflection, i decided to post it here anyways:
my main concern is:
being misunderstood
is often heralded as...
the reason why my problems can't be solved
and my life must remain unendurable, etc...
so let that theory be tested...
any questions, gimme a holler

the main issue is that there are
many certain necessary things
that because of my condition, i simply cannot do
i am unable to function on my own... yet, i am...

for example
i need friends
everybuddy's jus too busy, i guess
n meanwhile i'm dying of loneliness
n left to fend for myself in the wilderness
n for sayin that: slammed, ignored at best
...as if everybody's just as much of a mess
and instead of whining, i should be doing something
yeah... that's why i'm whining... i can't do anything

this is my experience
n that of many others

we are not fitting in automatically
n for that we go on anonymously
...suffering... as if we deserve it
gee, there's nothing anybuddy can do
...care... sit next to me... talk awhile...
(unless that's of no value... to society)

this interview was conducted
by email a coupla weeks ago...
and it had been weeks on deck
so i had plenty of time to think
about... what i wanted to say...
and at the time of this writing:
i still have no real solid lead on finding a social worker...
...and i'm not the sort of person who should be looking...
tho that's the only task before me, for many months now
i was told not to worry
i think cuz it's honest

so as the disaster piles up around me
i must continue in a fruitless hapless search
that not only am i unqualified to even approach
but on some level
daily destroys me

it took me 2 days to write this, and
it may take longer for you to read...
i suggest reading it slowly... one line at a time
one full idea per mouthful... that's how i think
let it take all day... put it down, if you have to...
...one of the problems... with the world today...
...is that everybuddy's... just too freekin busy...
but the underlying theme is: i am just one of undoubtedly many people
who are on their own finding the help they need, and not up to the task
enjoy
;o)


oh
PS
what do i basically need ?
just someone to help me
do some simple thingies
for a coupla weeks or so
put me where i'm welcome...
where neighbors are friendly
that's the level i'm currently capable of functioning on...
without that, eventually i will degrade further, disappear
never to be heard from again
n who is that fine enough wit ?

not a threat
or a promise...
it's a prediction
take it from someone with a 3 digit iq...
i can see my own demise from this far off...
it's a plant in the shade n with no water, even

oh
do
go
on

ok
so
on wit
me bit


=====================================

my bio

well, first off...
here's my website
http://dudeman.net
which may change slightly soon...
but as of now, there's just a big logo...
and underneath, links to my main websites...
soon to be each their own independent domains...
http://dudeman.net/dudeman (webcomic, journal, blog)
http://dudeman.net/shadows (music, 25 years o tunes)
http://dudeman.net/astra (portfolio of my 3D modeling)
http://dudeman.net/spacedog (amateurish astronomy)
http://dudeman.net/siriusly (ufos, paranormal stuff...)
http://dudeman.net/starhex (this game i'm inventing)
http://dudeman.net/jam (classic rock bass tablature)

so... i'm an author, poet, songwriter, musician, artist...
i'm also at myspace, facebook, newsvine, deviantart
i have a youtube account fulla vids o me jus jammin...
i have a rudimentary web presence... but:
the resta me life is completely untogether
i dunno, i guess i'm justa weirdo or som'n
...can't... manifest... anything to happen
no real market
for any o that

(sorry... i know i seem moody)
...n as for the mind behind it...

...i was born in january 1968...
an adorably promising only child
to... something... other than average
middle class, liberal, artistic alcoholics
which, i gotta say
i love my parents
...but they were
incorrigible lushes
...n they both quit
eventually
individually
but it's not so much an excuse, as:
a symptom of a greater condition...

my parents are dysfunctional
i come from broken people...

and i wasn't dropped on my head or anythingy...
but as a child, my mom had something fall on her
and her pelvis was squished... i was a C-section
and the running gag is: there musta
been a mishap with the salad tongs
but there may indeed be
a cause for speculation:
the environment was warped to begin with
(n something more for the running gag pile)

i grew up in St. Clair Shores, Mich.
...a skinny little suburb of Detroit...
right on the shores of lake st clair...
pleasure boating capital of the world
(n not everybody docking lives there)
blue n white collar mix
didn't fit in with either

(n not that i'd fit in anywhere)
...always been... a little odd...
(tho then again that's relative)
(to me, this is what normal is)

...kinda isolated growing up...
never really had any friends...
...and i'm not... cryin about it
just... that's... very important
...probably... especially... for autistic, etcs...
(probably... shouldn't... not bring it up, even)

and maybe for most people it's not like that
but now... i don't know how to have friends
n i have... like... zero social skills, always in
i'm like "the boy in the plastic bubble" kinda
except... on... un-acknowledge-able levels
all i got is... bein friendly
n that's... not enough...
i missed all the memos...
basically, i was Butters...
part Professor, part Gilligan
nerd without a college fund
and it's... in my blood...
one of my ancestors...
was a hobo violinist...
during the depression
and this is the one i most take after
i play guitar and bass, 25 years now
and i was once, for years, homeless
|o~

...mom taught me to read at 2...
early version of hooked on phonics
(so... that she... wouldn't... have to...
read... to me... anymore... i've since deduced)
(n since then, my fate has been... all my fault)
...but i didn't learn to tie my shoes until 5...
and not because i didn't want to to learn...
just... no one ever showed me, properly...

i remember asking for a more thorough demonstration
n then gettin yelled at for being difficult or something
(it seems... harsh... the impatience of neurotypicals)
...n now... ya kick yerself for fallin for it...
but what're ya gonna do, argue wittem ?

there'd... be... something i was missing
and i couldn't get em to slow down...
cuz i was so fast otherwise, usually
ok...

and i'm... "high functioning"
(n that's... self-diagnosing)
but intelligence isn't linear...
(i wanna see a 3D full color model of what my aptitude is)
(and a control group, or average model, to compare it to)
what's the deal with the unengaged running everything ?
(threw that one in, long as we're talkin about stuff, etc)
;o)

...skipped kindergarten...
knew how to read already
but missed how to nap n fingerpaint...
and i guess the... reasoning... went...
that i should get a head start on the future... etc
but i was a kid... n now, a year younger than most
so i would now hafta be a superbrain just to survive
but i didn't know this, it was just assumed i would be

...first grade: private school
10 of us kids: to >1 teacher
very positive environment...

second grade: public school
school is no longer about learning anymore
it's about being outcast for being different
and there's... nothing you can do about it
...see, completely the wrong environment
n those of you thinking "aww, poor baby"
...you're... exactly the sort of person...
people like me should not be around...
like...
ever
;o)

and i should mention here
though my mom loves to:
i've always hated reading
i mean, i can read
and i will if i hafta
i just... process
...information...
...differently...
i prefer the tv
n right now, twilight zone
like someone talkin to me
tellin me... stories...
n being agoraphobic
no other human contact
i just leave it on all day
it... keeps me company
science channel... documentaries...
movies, comedy... even just music...
that's been my exposure to humanity
so, i've been exposed to information...
and i know alotta thingies
but it's not enough, really
n it doesn't come up
in conversation ever

...n there's new science on... ok...
guitar players, stringed instruments
having more hemisphere connections
n also being more reasonable people...
so i would like to... take this moment...
to complain about... all the unreasonable people
...bein in charge... as if they get to be that way
to... whoever's appropriate
to petition such grievances
...see, stuff like that
i write comedy, now
;o)

basically, i've just needed
a tutor... for alotta things
and probably all of my life:
...just... at a certain point
(often, embarrassingly
...near the beginning)
...n things like that...
throughout childhood...
i would get scolded for...
(must be) not paying attention... as in "at all"
(especially when i obviously can do whatever)
(further evidence to them, i'm just being lazy)
but really i was just getting... like... a deeper end of it...
so it worked out ok, if i could just get all of it, on my own
...but... n still, even today... anything i can't get... like...
...just from the presentation that's presented...
...in this world... (n standard, unapologetically)
yer on yer own... cuz learning's not fascinating
nobody's business to be so helpful... why not ?

either that, or... people like us
...who can't... not be honest
...we're not... wired for it...
there's no... place for us...

turns one off to wondering
unless yer not able to be...

that's... how i think...
i make... connections...
not just... instructions...
i need to... understand it...
otherwise... it feels inaccurate...
cuz i'm making all these connections
that, to me, seem like valid questions

n then it starts pourin outta me in-forma poetry
so, the whole time, i have this learning disability
and i don't even know it... thus: automatic irony
so... doesn't even register on tricorders officially

i recently learned
i have one thing
in common with
steven hawking
besides physics
as a child, he would invent games, that, to him...
it was more fun... how complicated the rules were
...here's a lil project i have no one to work on with
it's a game i invented (or... am in the process of...)
D&D dice as chess pieces on a hex board, in space
http://dudeman.net/starhex (3 videos completed)
...those rules were beyondo complicated already
which, yeah, that's the thingy...
there's so many cool... thingies...
you can do... with... something like that
...and why i find physics... fascinating...
with every piece of the puzzle put together:
the reward is a greater overall understanding

which is totally doable...
for the most basic things
but once ya start getting
complex... comprehensive
...only the best teachers even care...
n education's underfunded intentionally
method is to madness as criteria is to...
(ok... gimme awhile to thinka that one)
;o)

turnin into a real manifesto, huh ?
it's a really big knot to untangle
my kind gets alotta hecklers...

...always scored highest possible...
on aptitude tests... in most areas...
but remained in public school, anyways
(if i could go back n change one thingy)
and just saying that... sounds... bitter...
(so, i dunno, maybe i can sue somebody)
but i wish i'd been sent off... in a basket...
to one of those brain academies somewhere
(and everybody out there who, as a child... wished... prayed...
hoped they were abducted by aliens or something... represent)
...but... my parents couldn't really afford to... so... therefore
...whatever help i needed became... perpetually unavailable

and this is right around the time... public school education
really started... going downhill...
...so maybe i was getting lazy
...but it never... registered...
...statistically...
i kept gettin As

n only bein... allowed to... know what i was told...
i didn't know any better to pursue it any further...
but i remember we had a new cadillac convertable
...and a boat... that was expensive to operate...
n here i am gettin terrorized every day, n publicly
my parents knew... teachers knew...
they weren't allowed to intervene...
...ok... my parents are schmucks...
...nobody... wanted to... tell me...

today, who wouldn't pull their dog
outta an... environment like that ?
that hostile... not for everybody...
is the immutable point i'm making...

and again, it sounds like i'm angry
but to me it's jus... information...
the lay of the land...
the map of the terrain
colloquially, for it to be assumed i'm angry
the assumption is that i have a right to be
and therefore must be ("who am i kidding")
...otherwise i wouldn't have mentioned it... ok... why not ?
to me, it's secondary i have something to be angry about
i'm authentically, conscientiously
just trying to solve the problem:
i came upon this information by looking back contextually
and i'm not really one to get angry... frustrated, maybe...
so, to me... when someone says that...
it's changing the subject: n obfuscation
away from... what an injustice that is...
n therefore... anything else... like that...

n also, ignoring another immutable point
i'm obviously not really one to get angry
for one thingy... they got to be like that
;oP

here, i should mention, again
i have a webcomic, which is:
a lil unread online comic strip
Dudeman, Comic Legend !!!
longhaired hippie superhero
and champion of our times
whose superpower is the truth
which is really just me venting
http://dudeman.net/dudeman
which has... too many characters to keep track of
n there's even one of myself, the alleged fun author
they fly around in ufos, time travel, parallel universes
i feel... greater forces at work... when i'm writing it...
even this text is falling together (mostly) subliminally
further proving that i'm just
an incredibly silly creature,
in need of being thwapped
by... normal people... etc
and as often as possible

anyways...
yeah, so...
on wit me scathing o all who've wronged me...
in 1980, when i was 12... my parents divorced...
...partly cuzza the economy... partly alcoholism...
but mostly cuz they were so wrong for each other
these... people... should not have been parents...
not the least bit... interested... in... any part of it
and i bounced back n forth between them, until...
when i was 16, an... isopropyl... family argument
...caused me to... drop out of the 11th grade...
...my grades had been plummeting, anyways...
and for a few weeks i had to be a runaway...
and i went back the next year, to a different school
but from that point on, i stopped taking it seriously
i was no longer on any college prep plan... at all...
...bound n determined to attend an art college...
but mainly planned on being a hippie musician...
serious stuff later
learning disability
who else is
out there ?
nobody
...ok...

...and because it was
...always easy for me
up to a certain point
i never learned... how to learn...
(got yelled at a bit for that one)
using the only method available:
...being given an assignment...
n then go read, digest, a book
so those who can do that fine, do ok... only
which is an inefficient use of the technology
(yeah... i'm sorry, i jus hafta say something)
i got no problem comprehending the material
i just... usually... can't pick it up that way...
i would be the guy who takes... one class...
...per semester... and ok, maybe a couple...
but classes you can stay after for, routinely
so by now, early 40s, PhD in rocket science
that never
happened

when i was 18, upon graduating high school
i was told, and had been long forewarned...
get a job, go to school, or get the fuzz out
there were no jobs available
(n no one would take me in)
and i had a school picked out
...Specs Howard (the Harvard for Broadcasting)
(my 12th grade high school had a radio station)
but my mom was working at an electronics school
and with her discount, that's what we could afford
i lasted about a year... cuz i wasn't a self starter...
...n then n there you have it
...just that bit right there...
damns either me or society
...n who has negotiators ?
(between us contenders)

as my parents delved deeper n deeper into their own downward spirals:
i worked as a roadie, n for a small moving company (who'd hire a hippie)
...a little bit of a partier, someone told my mom i must be a crackhead...
not capable of being reasoned with, seems determined to misunderstand
(ok, who jus saw the above sentence goes both ways, auto-irony etc ?)

...i ended up homeless...
this was 1990... i was 22
n when yer homeless n 22
that's how everybody is 2u
...i drifted out west, toward
some musician buddies now in hollywood
but i had no way of making money in LA
so i wound up retreating back to detroit
homeless for most of the next few years
and in 92 i got on SSI for agoraphobia...

which, yes, means:
...for awhile there
...i was homeless
tho on disability

for agoraphobia
out in public...
but now i had
lunch money

so here i am, not really knowing what was wrong with me
and no one will have me, like i got cooties or something...
("it's cuz yer smart and nice, you understand") = comedy

found a band house to be a hippie in
i had about 100 tunes at this point...
barely anyone to even jam with tho...

by 95, my mom relented i wasn't the antichrist
(by way of... how... mature i've become, now)
...and ultimately let me rent a room from her...
for what was supposed to be a coupla weeks...
until i found someone groovy to be my roomie...
which never materialized, another year went by
and i had been kicking the idea of Florida around
then suddenly she got this idea to move south...
for her health: she has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
(coupla proverbial coalmine canaries... me n ma...)
(n more on my synopsis... overall diagnosis... later)
to Macon, Georgia, where we have distant cousins
so i moved with her (nice weather, too many bugs)
for what was supposed to be not very long, at all...
ended up being... wow... god... more like... 15 years

got a computer... thought it would help me find a life
and i did a little telecommuting, making websites, etc
but i basically just settled into this sedentary lifestyle
where i'm in my 20s n 30s now... livin with my mom...
...tried to save up money, to move out somewhere...
but i wasn't able to make any connections
(one of the thingies i have no aptitude for)
basically, i'm a hippie, and it was the south
(i predicted as much, was reassured... silly)

n this is the thing
i can't get... like...
anybody to believe
like... anything i say
(maybe it's the hair)
or anyways... i get... talked into alotta thingies...
cuz i lack the ability to be completely independent
so i end up havin no choice in me own destiny etc

and you... may have noticed
i havva thick internet accent
i also mix... egghead material
wit casual common vernacular -esque -isms etc
this is me... bein myself (how i talk, how i think)
which should be enough (n ok, it's only a theory)

there's just a few things i need
...paramount is understanding...
...it's like i'm bein messed with...
...it has... the same... pattern...
...n i notice...
other thingies
occasionally...

friends, family, people...
...you all have each other
n i don't even have myself
(ok, i... had that one
in my pocket already)
;oP

ok, this one's new
...look, from some
aliens' perspective
we're all bastards

made an author outta me
...didn't set out to be one
...

in 2000 i attempted moving out with a buddy
to Athens, Georgia... for the music culture...
but once we got there... we like never hung out together
never did get the rest of the band we moved out there for
...and after about a year, i had to move back in with ma...

...and this is the sorta thing i shoulda learned a lesson from
actually, i did, just wasn't allowed to follow up on that as if
it's just... she couldn't stand me bein around her anymore...
and i had no power over my own destiny to go... properly...
and there wasn't... anyplace... else i could go...
and i knew better than to do it how i did it, but:

(and i saved up n planned this for years)
late 09, i moved out to portland, oregon
to be among fellow hippies, liberals, etc
...but my agoraphobia still prevents me
from going out in public, much... at all
so i joined a few meetup groups
hoping to ramp up slow, online...
(which no one wantsta do anymore)
...n that's where i found... ASAN...
...n you, my patient interviewer...
...another novel for you to edit...

...n the idea's been suggested...
that i may be somewhat autistic...
which would explain a lot of things...
o would explain a great many things...
and you can call it whatever you want
i wanna see the 3D cat-scan brain map
i wanna know what chromosomes are responsible
and what kinda citrus to drink n what to dunk in it
i want to be able to say i'm savant like, authoritatively
i wanna get the autism ID card to flash to the cops...
...what
...i do
;o)

...and here, i'll go back, chronologically... a little bit...
in recent years, i've started to think of my agoraphobia
as a mere symptom of something... greater... weirder...
and i don't mean to be controversial or anything, but...
ok sit back man i'm gonna lay som'n realy heavy on ya

in the late 90s, i went to a dermatologist...
about this rash i would get on my hands...
...which... i thought was... just... from...
gardening without gloves one summer...
but that was just when it first occurred
when those symptoms first presented...

so he poked a buncha holes in my back...
n the next day told me i had a nickel allergy...
(which alot of people have, it's not uncommon)
but i'd become allergic to my own guitar strings
(took forever to find something i could play ok)
prescribed me a steroid cream n ointment etc
which doesn't cure the condition any
just helps the skin grow back quicker
takes a couple daze, better'n nuttin

anyways, on with the thingy
and this took some deducing
n not everybody believes me
(n the whole time, no one lookin after me)
but this is basically what i think happened:
summer of 95, just had alot of dental work
silver amalgam fillings: mercury poisoning...
and i'd always had alot of fillings in my mouth
but that last bit was alot n right on the nerves
so by 2000, i had them all replaced with plastic
and over the next decade or so
began gradually feeling better...

n it'll never be completely out of my system...
but i definitely think i'm onto somethin there...
n i'll tellya somethin else completely freekee...
y'know what really helps my "public anxiety" ?
weed... swear to god... but only a lil for me...
i am a total lightweight
and... on... anything...
but i'm not using it to get blasted
...i'd hung out with the burnouts
since the last half of high school
but i was never a "big druggie"...
n that's right about the time my grades started falling
so we tend to typically tie those events together, but
lookin back... nah, my grades wouldna been any better
if anything, the weed helped me deal with all the drama
...n it's not like we were smokin too much...
mosta the time we couldn't even find any...
much less afford it... actually cheaper today
what's 40 bux to a high school kid in the 80s
(ok, i guess it depends on the neighborhood)

never really got into drinking
or other drugs, tho available
tried a couple other things...
what was put in fronta me...
...cautiously, trepidatiously...
...ya run witta wrong crowd...
bad ideas come up occasionally

but... that's... kinda the thingy...
why i never made it in that scene
i'm too honest to be trustworthy
the singlemost, overwhelming
...aspect of my personality...
...blank... eyed... naivete...
n i say this over the internet
...angels need this equation

...and i'd quit for over a decade
from the mid 90s to the mid 00s
though opportunity occasionally

then... one day...
oh, medicinally...
someone suggested
seemed reasonable:

and i've found that
1 or 2 hits a day...
helps me... process
thoughts... calmly...
put them in proper perspective
n assess a situation reasonably
think like an adult... responsibly
...especially when
pressure's applied

we should be
able to say...
"objection: pressure"
to alotta thingies...

i've read on the internet, it's in the bible
as "the tree of knowledge of good n evil"
and i have nothing to dispute that theory
have 1 toke n watch the news, u tell me
ya tend to fall for less... bully schtickity

i know people who are so hyped up naturally
smokin weed daily makes them seem normal
n they function perfectly normal in society

one of the reasons why i moved out west
to one of the new 13 colonies... herbality
except... everybody's... totally uber paranoid
...tryin to get a green card, certain i qualify...
hard to getta appointment, straight answers...

yer only as straight
as yer last answer
...how bout that ?
;o)

so... so far... my less than perfectly qualified
and even overly admittedly amateur diagnosis
is... i was born with some... brain abnormality
that may be a perfectly legitimate way to be
but just isn't very common... n is off enough
where it's... misaligned, with normal society

and moreover, my life would be totally... fidderent
were it not for the existence of bullies... n apathy
so watch yer rash objectionisms to my valid theory
;oP

oh, yer bein nice...
onward, continuing

at a certain point, as a child, youngling
i had a lot of dental work n silver fillings
which is toxic, to carbon based lifeforms
and some are more sensitive than others
exposure was prolonged and exasperated
(google: lead and the fall of the roman empire)
presenting symptoms: eczema and agoraphobia
i have a 3 digit IQ, but need help managing basic affairs
navigating corporate bureaucracy = impenetrable barrier
supplemental conditions: isolation sickness
after awhile it's hard to complete anything
...also insomnia... i have 25 hour days now

...here, this... next bit was...
...gonna be... somethin like...
baffled genius, adrift in the milderness
rendered thus by erroneous anomalies

see, in some cultures
...that sorta thingy's
called
crazy

i got volumes o compilations n tomes o stuff...
that i'm pretty sure will never find an audience

n then i go on n on about this...
cuz... this... is what i need fixed
in order to be able to do anything
...before i can step on square one

suggested
treatment:
i need to be dipped in something magnetic
that removes all the mercury... peacefully
...n then whatever organic herbal remedy
can help my system heal, most naturally

alternative
suggested
treatment:
i need to be around people who don't hate me
i should live at a college... no... a university...
n y'know what ?
do experiments
on
me
n other mutants
from the galaxy

i need to play music... every day
with other people... intellectually
seriously... try it... it's... therapy

n at this age, especially
...this... time, in my life
...i'm 42
it's 2010
is when i need
what i'm doing
to matter to
somebody
anybody

i need to be involved in... projects
my kind works best, ensemble cast

i needta eat right n exercise also...
i needta play frisbee n go swimming
otherwise it's like you're not resting

all i'd need is the project, specifically
ask me, i gotta coupla ideas already
and... funding...

that's the thing
i needta matter
to sum buddy...

smart n nice...
understand...

but for as...
smart n nice
as i may be...
(n i hafta say, i'm not petitioning worship)
(respect, admiration, whatever's required)
(o anything positive would be a good sign)
...i'm not the smartest person in the world
...n i'm not the nicest person in the world
...which means... somewhere... there's...
...people who're nicer n smarter than me
even people who are both
in the same alleged entity
are they... very... busy ?
;o)

i blame the gods...
they did this to me

yeah... from now on
...everybuddy hasta
call me spaceyhippie
n quittit witta
pickin on me
(bastards)
=oP




1.
You are currently self-diagnosed
as being on the autistic spectrum.
What do you feel are the main barriers
that prevent self-diagnosed autistic individuals
from gaining an assessment/diagnosis
if they wish to pursue a formal route to diagnosis?


see, this is where i begin to suspect
this is parta a witty disertationism etc
and if so, i approve
...looking forward to
bein associated with
the smart nice people
on whatever spectrum

i had the hardest time finding out
where to go n how to get there...

i've taken a few autism tests online...
scored as expected, just over the line

but that's not accredited
it's only a guide
...like astrology
...colloquially...
...entertainment only... legally
you can't... take it to anybody

n that's the real barrier, to anything
most people... aren't like that, really
but what you get back from the world
is the same as if everybody's like that
...cuz no one has the authority
to say yeah here's what this is
n now we're gonna give ya what ya need
(n then knowin whatever that is already)
n often no one wants to speculate
on any subject involving empathy
so they're either really for it
or refuse to have an opinion

and i do have an appointment
coming up in about a month
with a PhD who specializes
but there's no way for me to find out...
any further information on that subject...
and my experience has led me to expect
that this will be more people smiling
n then entirely unable to help me
n sans satisfactory explanation...
but just lookit alla nice furry tests
they dragged an agoraphobic thru
n whatever irreperable discomfort
there's nothing anyone can do...

n that's if you have health insurance
which i do, from being on disability
but if i didn't have that
there'd be no way...
or i'd have no clue

the biggest barrier is
someone like me is...
powerless, uninformed




2.
You are diagnosed as agoraphobic.
What unique challenges do you face
when pursuing assistance and services
as a person who is agoraphobic and autistic?


well, first thing is
people don't believe in it...
or they have no sympathy
no understanding
comprehensive
compassion
...n don't
have to

cuz everybody feels
a little social anxiety
n they think that's all it is...
n therefore, i'm bein a big baby
at which point, no respect for me
so it's a form of bigotry... totally...
n why am i so nervous all the time ?

...but my brain actually shuts down
i become retarded, i lose half my IQ:
forget how to make change, tell time
n then i get taken advantage of easy
so now we... know... why...
no one was acknowledging
...n now i'm bein paranoid

where my autism kicks in...
n it was there from the start
is i can't deal with corporate
i can't handle a phone call...

n in order to get help with that
that's just what i have to do...
which i'm...
no good at
n it damages me
mere attempting
but there's no avenue set up
...for me to follow anyways...
so it's a fruitless endeavor
no solution possible
but no one will admit
they don't have every answer
i could ever... possibly... need
...corporate = zero flexibility...

and it's not
a... normal
disability...
but just that
right there...
...that i can be so easily dismissed
...they know i'm a sap, or too silly
so therein is sufficient auto-irony

but it's their job
(n technically)
to blow me off
they're sorry, they don't know what they can do to help me
yeah, they do
they give me a quarter n send me to an empty movie theater
and if tone of inflection is any indication
giggling about it at lunch etc
if any thought at all is given

n this attitude is rewarded
that's who's in these jobs
...zero work ethic
100% obedience

i need an in home care worker...
n not like an elderly or physically disabled person
i can do my own laundry n dishes

but it's such an abstract concept
that people don't hafta understand it if they don't want to
no one's ever heard of such a thing

i made the argument
n it was an argument, at this point
while talking with a supervisor
over at clackamas county
mental health intake
screener
over the phone
couple months ago
that
there's what to do
what's available
procedure etc
on the books
for physical disabilities
and for mental disabilities
and i fall somewhere inbetween
but that system is not designed
to target n fell people like me
it's just we're a minority
and he seemed to understand
said he would send over someone
a screener at first
to do my intake
house call
over my apartment
and that this would coincidentally be
the one social worker i would be seeing
on a regular basis
n from there we would get everything situated
i was pleased
i'm very easy

well, the guy came over
established a rapport immediately
admired my acoustic... all friendly
but really he was just testing me...
everything he said had... a darker purpose
he pushed my buttons... the whole meeting
he would interrupt without being interrupted
get me all wrong... make a big deal out of it
and not let me correct him on inaccuracies

i got defensive
felt railroaded
he was testing my boundaries of agitation
asked me what kinda drugs i'd ever done
...refused to treat me like a person
or acknowledge he wasn't doing so

at one point he was telling me about this one guy
that he sees... who has it way worse that i have
and gave me the same hang in there inspirational
as in, as if... if he can do it for that, then i can...
so i asked him... this guy came to you
...for something... other than rejection
casually dismissed... n with a whistle...
n that's what you gave him
n that's what you tell him
...someone like that
words to that effect
he changed
the subject

about 3/4 thru...
a 2 hour interview...
he told me they don't provide the services i'm seeking
his whole mission was to get me into a psych program
one of the things on the menu:
group therapy for agoraphobics
wanted to get me on medication
which i've had bad results with...
not interested in that line o thingy

was only interested in my patronage
if i was naive enough, to fall for that
don't worry, we're taking care of you
there is no accountability on their end

this is corruption
they were having fun with me
they were too good at it for it to be just me

there is no penalty
they know they won't ever get in trouble
it's a crazy person's word against theirs

how many other people out there
nuttin wrong wittem but depression
exasperation... n those complications
mind-muddled n runaround into oblivion
jus need
someone
to talk to

i just need to talk to somebody
...help me do... what i need to
...get hooked up with
whatever professionals
someone whose job it is
to look
after
this

and i find that when i try to
look for such help on my own
i only end up
alienating...
everybody

frustrating,
desperation
n then i become too absorbed in it
n think "man, my life is such a mess"
i really need to do something about it
but i can't, or not well enough, so i fail
but there's nothing else to do, if
i become unable to do anything
even just...
watch tv...
debilitating

i need to... just...
get my mind off it
especially on the weekends when you can't reach anybody
seriously... 48 hours of everybody else somewhere partying
n the lesson learned: dude, if they don't call you back ever
but i'm not allowed to give up...
just keep watching the horizon...
tho atta certain point... with anything...
you hafta recognize mathematical futility
i need a relief...
and a referee...
i need to retire... from this... preoccupation:
that seems only designed to make me crazier
...or i've tapped into an amazing coincidence

i should be in a half way house...
and i can't afford to live where i do...
i need someone to help me with that issue
a social worker, say...

n not someone to cry to
n prescribe medication...
someone to tell me something besides
gee, they don't know what to tell me
i need to not be a bother
and to not be helpless...

and as to your question:
"what unique challenges"
...i'm not
sure my
impenetrable barriers
are that uncommon...
i just... don't seem to have
the ability to deal with em...
that others do... or seem to
so maybe that's the
"unique challenge"

the system isn't rigged
for someone like me...
to be able to get help

n that would be easy
(oh, come on, now)

also, i don't know
when to shaddap
...i get
silence
back
alot
;o)




3. 
What do you feel is
assumed or misunderstood
about people who are autistic,
as well as agoraphobic?


i think it's confused with tourettes
or you think wheelchair n slobbering
basically basket cases (n there usedta be actual baskets)
but society so pushes individuals to excell... n justa fit in
that we forget that the... so afflicted
are not these... like... rare anomalies
not... like... dots on a map...
some... static on the species
or people missing a circuit...
it's more of a gradual thingy
n those with it only a little...
learn to hide it, compensate...
even never know they have it...
n those of us who can't do that...
...that's one of the functions we're missing

n if it's a... really... super... ordinary thing
like agoraphobia...
going to the store
going out to check the mail
my friends don't understand
they think i'm ...whatever...
being silly extraordinairre...

n well, this is parta yer question
...what is... assumed... about us
just bein a big baby, or somethin
i dunno... you'd hafta ask them...
(n yer only as straight as yer last answer)
they don wanna tell me, hurt my feelings
they don't wanna have that argument...
but it's not an emotional issue for me...
maybe people... don't understand it...
don't... can't be made to believe it...
cuz they're lying when they say that
really immature responses, reactions
stuff no way could i get away with
...seriously, believe me
i am so totally used to
the 10th avenue freeze out, etc
and dealing well with my feelings
that's not what it is, for me
that's bothering me... really
and it's sad n frustrating...
...even... heartbreaking...
n i'd be happy to tell you how to deal etc
but right now i have more pressing issues
like i'm not able to think...
no one's reaching out to me
to talk to me
on my level...

i think if i knew another agoraphobic
...like myself, we'd be fast friends...
we'd hang out with each other, etc
that's all we need, human contact
...but no one wants to do that...
n i shouldn't be out in the world
it does some damage to me...
that takes days to recover...
and i need friends... social...
to recover from that properly

i think people think that i'm just painfully shy
or afraid to be where they don't dig hippies
well, yes, but those are more side effects
like dealing with what other people think

...but i can go n do the thingy
i can dress up n show up, etc
i drove out here cross country
i just... know better... not to...
like... go grocery shopping for myself...
anywhere there's more than like a coupla people
...though i can handle that many i know already
it's like a sore shoulder the next morning
or ringing in yer ears after a concert...
but it's in the brain n lasts for days...
it's over-exerting myself
a crowd of strangers...
too much signal all of a sudden...
i need to ramp up to socialization
but i'm really low on social... so...

mosta that i get from the tv
saw on Fraiser the other day
Freud said we need 2 things to be happy: work and love
translation: something to do n someone to share it with
and... any shrink on my case should acknowledge that

people don't just come over n hang out
i could do with that... for a little while...
couple times a week...
couple weeks o that...
n then more n more...
that's what i need...
to ramp up
to society

even if i weren't like this...
...i'd be willing to do that...
...i think everybody... gets
that's what i think about it
as solution to my situation
most don't wanna admit it
...don't wanna... be that for me
n don't wanna admit that to me
like i'm this needy little whatever
but what i need... from friendlies
they'll all hang out with each other
their social... never gets too low...
maybe i'm just
excruciatingly
dull company

n whatever i am
we're very associative people
n reaching out equals failure
conditioned to... overlook ?
not even bother anymore ?

i don't know any others like me
are we each all individualized ?
isolated form
each other ?

heckuva lott atrubble to go to
what're we gonna do... really...
put solar panels on a mini van ?
;oP




4.
What keeps you going
when it feels like life 
is pulling you down?


Dilbert sez: the cure for loneliness is
...feeling like yer being... listened to
...getting someone on the phone...
is usually the highlight of my day
...especially someone i know...
or someone who can help me
...and if that goes positively

that should happen more often
...and everybody wishes for that
...anybody would immediately say
but you guys get yours more often

i feel like i'm the only musician in town
that doesn't have anybody to jam with
that wants one

(n ya hafta add that disclaimer, there)
(otherwise you'll be dismissed as silly)

i'm a musician
i jam a little...
but ya hafta play well...
otherwise it's embarassing...

i should play daily
but it's hard to when yer depressed...
n ya prolly shouldn if ya don feel like it
n things like that

n as i sed before
they made an author outta me
though i din set out to be one

i am what the gods made me
i'm a venter

like what i did just now is... dishes...
and it'd been pilin up for a coupla daze
n my once in awhile scrub out the sink
didda good job, hooray...
now i feel like jammin...
;o)



5. 
Please tell us about
your comic Dudeman.
What inspires you?


i should pack the whole thing up
n label it... things you tell liars...
this is what inspires dudeman epidoses
all the frustrating things you think of...
that need to be said... and often aren't

n here's the link again...
http://dudeman.net/dudeman

wow, you get to
totally be like that
n no one stops you ?

things like that

izzit that you want me to... guess ?
izzit that you want me to... guess... incorrectly ?
izzit that you want me to... keep... guessing ?




6. 
What is something
you would like people to know
about both autism and agoraphobia?


to be without wisdom or reason
is both unwise and unreasonable

i just wish... people were more inclusive
also, then... someone like me... this silly
from an insider's, yet heckled perspective
wouldn't be charged with the unenviable task of
summing up the solution to it in a fortune cookie
not that i don't wanna voice or anything
just that i'm the wrong person to ask...
for an official final answer on that one

people with brain abnormalities or whatever
are not hopeless... and are not to be feared
man... people find out i gotta mental disability
they look at me like i'm gonna freak out... n drool onnem...
n i can appreciate that... crazies are... but y'know, it's like
was i really mean n dismissive to all of you in a former life ?
we're all really just normal people inside... we really are...

n here's
the part
where i say
...we rule...
or we rock...
n some of us do
back n forth
it's what we do
n i don't mean that disparagingly
n yes, funny
but in the nicest possible way
that... maybe
many people
really don't
even see